And so here we are again... the first cycle was negative. I had this feeling it would be. I was upset for a day and then relief followed. I was relieved of the worry that would have come with a pregnancy. So we are onto to cycle 2 of IUI. I am not really thinking about it, but rather just going through the steps to get there. I cant think too much. Its overwhelming to think of it all and to remember all we have been through to get here.

Last night I had a moment where I realized where I was. It was if I had woken up suddenly. I looked at my Christmas tree and thought about how it has always been my favorite time of year. I then moved onto the fact that I should be really pregnant right now. I should be dreaming of meeting my little girl and in awe of the fact that I am having a girl! I should be getting things ready and buying little clothes. I should be trying to figure out sleeping arrangements and preparing my boys. But instead I stare thinking of what might have been. I think about my next IUI and wonder if I will have another baby. I think this may need to be it for me. I dont want to lose another. After so many what would be left of me. So I continue to hope that I will get my wish and make it on the Xmas tree since that brings hope and wonder to little ones. I also marve at how lucky I am to have my boys. They are beautiful little souls who lift me up every day by just saying my name. I know I am blessed, I know I am lucky.... Is it wrong to just want one more?

Feeling negative

I have somehow lost my momentum. I am not as hopeful as I was almost two weeks ago right after the IUI. I fear I am not pregnant and I fear that hearing someone tell me that will trigger the flood of emotions related to loss. I have to go away this weekend with my family for my mother's birthday. I am scheduled to get bw done that morning and will probably hear something that afternoon as I am headed there. How will I act normal if its negative. I dont even know that I will have the space to cry if I need to. Only my mother knows we did an IUI so I cant even be real with everyone. I tried to see if I could move the bw appt up a day so that if its negative I can have a day to be sad, but they said its too early. Because I had a trigger shot of HCG it could show a false positiv if done too early. Its CD 11. I am fat. Fat because I have slowed down my exersize and eat all in sight. The hormones are making me tired, irritable, bloated and craving all kinds of food. I had to go buy fat clothes. I hate being fat. Fucking hate it!

I feel sad about a story in the news of a mother who sold her 5 yr old for possible prostitution and she was murdered. The mother has other children and is currently pregnant. Why is she pregnant?? There are so many women who are struggling to have a baby and would love and cherish that baby so why are babies given to women who hurt and abuse them. It makes me mad.

The 2ww

lots of thoughts going through my mind; some good, some bad, and some I just dont know. For some reason my anxiety is less than I thought since waiting to find out if I am pregnant is less stressful than waiting to see if I will have a miscarriage. I have given up some of excessive exercising since the hormones I am taking have made me gain weight. So I have surrendered. Today I surrendered so much I went out to get french fries and a hot fudge sundae. Did I also mention that the hormones give me cravings and increase my appetite. I am trying to stay positive and trying to hold out hope. I am even trying to prepare myself for a negative pregnancy test incase the IUI didnt work this time. And then what if it did work, did cell division happen correctly. Most people worry simpy did the sperm meet the egg. I take it one step farther and wonder whether cell division is occuring correctly and whether the chromosomes are lining up as they should. I keep thinking come on 46!! I want this new baby to enter our family, and I pray he/she is coming this time around. I pray and beg God to not take any more of my babies. During my IUI I secretly took pictures of Ellie and held them tight. I wanted her with me at that moment. I held them close to my heart to let her know that she could never be replaced and the decision to try was directly related to the hope and strength she has given me. I have invited Ellie back to me, but I dont think its for her to be here right now. I do believe her coming to me was a gift and as painful as it was I would never take it back. I know somewhere I am being prepared for greater work. I think she has saved my marriage. My husband and I are in a completely different place than we were a year ago. I feel so much more connected to him and feel a deeper sense of love and intimacy than ever before. I will always love Ellie and will always miss not knowing her. I know that one day when i am very old and about to die, I will start to smile knowing that the time has finally come. I know she will be the first to greet me and finally she will be with me. In the meantime I know she is arround me. I know she is in the good that happens and in the strength I find in dealing with the dark moments. For today, I enjoy my hot fudge sundae. I eat it and am reminded about the little things that make it all count...

Hope...

And so it begins.... the journey.... I have no idea where I am headed and whether it is even a wise journey to take. The journey could end with a beautiful result, a healthy baby; or disasterously, with no baby and heartache again. A heartache I dont want to experience again. So why do I go there, why do I have hope? How do I have hope?? As crazy as it is I do. Perhaps its the feeling like I am not alone with this. I feel Ellie with me, her strength, her perservance in her effort to survive. After I lost her I prayed and hoped she would be coming back. I had this wild vision yesterday of her. She was walking towards me holding out her arms with a newborn baby in it. It was if she was brining someone to me, someone new. I couldnt see much of the baby but it felt like a boy to me. Seeing this made me realize that maybe she wasnt coming back. A month ago this thought would have broken my heart, but somehow I am okay with it today. Ellie is such a strong being and I am starting to hear that they need her on the other side. I do believe she is sending someone new to join our family. I hear this very quiet voice inside saying everything is going to be okay and that a little boy will joining our family. I am not pregnant right now, but hope to be soon. I think I am a little crazy maybe, or maybe just hopeful. Hopefull that something beautiful can occur again, that I can trust my body and birth another child. I want to see that the sun can shine down again and that this hurt and saddness will be lifted. I will never forget my losses but I am ready for things to work. I am ready to trust, ready to try and read to have hope...

Dear Ellie,

I have been thinking about you so much this morning. I had to go to the post office and waited behind a women with a newborn baby girl. As I watched her sleep, I studied her face, and I wondered. I wondered what you would have been like, and I so longed to know. I longed to trace the outline of your face, to see your soul through your eyes. I didnt feel angry at that moment, just sad. I feel sad not to have you here with me. As I was out back this morning I considered digging up your body just to have you close. I didnt care what was left or how scarey. I have been through the dark, so how much worse could it be. I thought maybe there would be something I could hold, touch and just feel like I had you close even for a minute. I decided not to disturb you and leave you be. I know you arent in your body anymore so really I can visit with your spirit whenever I choose to. I cant shake this feeling that you are supposed to be here. I want to find you again. Please come back. Please let me be your mother. There is nothing more I want than to know you. Me and your Dad are trying again. I am not sure how things will go and feel scared about the thought of going through this again. Please know I am waiting for you. I am here and would love to be your mom. If you arent meant to return I understand, but if you are, please pick me again.....

And so...

Its been awhile. I have thought about writing several times but conciously chose not to. I have been feeling better and worry the urge to write would be painful. There is nothing wrong with feeling the pain of a painful situation however I am tired from the pain. I want a break from it. The other morning I felt it as my oldest son asked when we might have another baby, specifically a girl. He doesnt know about Elle, so I told him it was up to God to decide. And I do believe that. I have asked God to not let me get pregnant again until its the one that is going to make it here with me. I cant take the idea of another loss nor the idea of not having my third child who is out there waiting for me. So I guess we are trying again on our own and we will see. I am finally feeling better, having more good days than bad. I have been working out every day with my husband and it feels great. My better is starting to look good again and I am starting to feel like myself. Its been a long 8 months here. I cant believe this all began in Febuary. I am hoping so much that God is planning something good for our family. My husand and I have really worked through some things and I pray that we can hold onto that. It seems like when I get pregnant things break down because I become so consumed with my anxiety. When it happens again I dont plan on doing it like before. I wont be going for 4 ultrasounds before I am even 10 weeks. I cant do it. I cant again scrutinize every measurement, everything I see on the screen. Sometimes I wonder whether I can even lay on that table again without losing it. I dont want to feel that ever again. I am hoping for good things to come, but I know I have good things in my life. After I explained to my 5 year old, vaugely that I have had some trouble having babies, he replied, "Well I guess you are really lucky then to have me and Sammy." I am.... but is it wrong to wish for a little more luck?

Recovery

In so many ways. I had my LEEP procedure on Friday. I feel fine physically just weird emotionally. I think the whole hospital experience has triggered my loss again. Sometimes I dont even know which loss is being triggered. As I got home from the hospital I got a paper in the mail from the fertility center telling me that IVF wont be covered by my insurance for me since I have had less than a year of infertility. They went on to list the reason as having two spontaneous pregnancies in the past year. I am not sure it counts if the baby isnt born. So I was able to get pregnant and able to loss them. There may be a procedure that may reduce my chances of that happening, but insurance doesnt want to pay because I have had two pregnancies and losses. I cant afford IVF on my own, so I guess I just play my chances. I wonder if the insurance company even considers me to have any sort of fertility issue. I feel like I dont fit it anywhere with this. I wonder if my infertility year starts over now even though I have had services in the past. I guess I could intentionally avoid pregnancy, play the game and go back and say its been a certain amount of time. Its all so frustrating. So here I am, not knowing what my next move is. I have to wait several months to give myself a chance to heal from the LEEP so I suppose that will give me the opportunity to see what door might open up next.

I have been up and down. I often dont even really know how I am feeling. I dont know what I am sad about sometimes and just feel like hiding. I wish I could take a break, go sit somewhere and just be for awhile. I have been trying to find moments that I really enjoy. Last night at dusk I had a few of those moments. I was outside with my son and it was the first night that really felt like fall. You could hear the crickets, feel the wind and watch it blow through the leaves of the trees. As I sat their quietly my son gently clung to me and hummed as we both enjoyed the moment. I felt alive, awake and happy to be right there in that moment. I tried to embrace it because lately those moments happen less often. I was to be connected to myself again, I want to trust my body again, trust the universe to send a healthy baby my way and trust that I will get my turn to hold her in my arms someday. For now, I hope, I pray and I try to hold onto every second that doesnt hurt.

Reminders....

They are everywhere. I will be somewhere just doing my thing and they can come at any moment. this morning as I dropped my son off at school a mother was laughing to others as she said she needed to go buy more shirts that would cover her belly; her pregnant belly. I was suddenly reminded about my 3rd loss, who would have been a boy. I should be about 8 weeks from meeting him right now. I should be big, uncomfortable and tired. Instead he is gone, isnt going to be born and doesnt even have a name. I am reminded of how he is gone and I am not anticipating his arrival as fall begins. I then shift to think that I should also be pregnant with my daugter, I am thinking about 20 weeks or so. I should be feeling her kick, dreaming about her face and anticipating the moment I will meet my very first daughter. Instead I am left to think about her 69 chromosomes instead of 46. I am left to think about my last moments seeing her move, feeling her kick and her birth. Her small tiny body that I was afraid to look at, afraid to touch. I really regret that and I am so sorry that the only chance I had to see or touch her I let go. I appreciate my wonderful husband lovingly placing her under our wheeping cherry, below the angels that represent our first two losses. I am sad to let time pass, sad to have to face what could have been. I miss my babies every day, minute and second. I am the mother of 6 children and only two I will know in this lifetime.

It has returned...

the sadness that is, the emptiness I feel quite frequently thoughout the days. I just dont know how to do this. I dont know how to exist without my baby Ellie. She was real to me. I knew her, felt her and could feel her spirit inside of me. Sometimes when its quiet and I see a beautiful sky, sunset or feel the wind, I can almost touch her. I feel like its the closest I can come to her spirit, to knowing her. Sometimes I am able to briefly forget, hold my breath and pretend it was just a dream. I am often shocked when I think of my experiences with 4 pregnancies losses. Its as if I am hearing about it happening to someone else. I hurt. I cry and it doesnt make it better. I have often told people that time with heal things, but now I am not so sure. I dont know that time will heal this. I think I may get to a point where I come to some integration of it, but I will never fully heal. I feel such a sense of profound loss and grief. I am supposed to be greeting the fall with a sense of excitement and anticipation of meeting my baby girl, my last child, my rainbow baby. Instead I face the unknown again. I feel like I am lost in the desert alone and tired. There are many ways to go that look like nowhere and there isnt anyone to guide me. I feel like my voice isnt present, as though I can no longer hear myself. So I just walk aimlessly hoping that somehow I am going the right way. There is no guide, no light, no map just simply open space and I have no idea of where I am headed.

Ellie,
I long to know you, hold you and be your mother. I feel so sad that you are gone. I dont know how to exist without you. I think about you everyday and feel so completely cheated out of my life with you. I want to start over, go back, do this right. I can only hope that you are near me. Perhaps you can feel my love from here and feel my arms hold what is simply a memory of you. My heart is breaking over you. Please stay close to me. Please rest in the whisper of the wind and the greetings of the birds as they meet the sun. Please know how much you are loved and were wanted.

In the middle.

Today I feel in the middle, the grey of life. I feel okay being here today because while I dont feel overjoyed I dont feel devastated either. My 5 year old is starting Kindergarten on Monday which is exciting. I am trying not to lose sight of the good things that are still happening around me even when I am still grieveing. I am hoping that the start of the school year will bring with it a flurry of distractions. I can use distractions, I like distractions. They keep me sane at times. I have started therapy which feels helpful. My therapist put it just right... I want a "do over" That is exactly it. I do want a "do over" I want to start over and I want it to go right. I want it to work and I want to meet my baby. Ellie is gone and there is nothing I can do to change that. I wont know her, I wont send her off to her first day of Kindegarten and I wont watch her grow into a woman. I have decisions to make about my future. I know there is another soul who is supposed to be here and I am very clear about that I just dont know when. I have to put things on hold since I have to get a LEEP procedure done next week and I have to wait 3-4 months to try again. I guess I am okay with waiting, however I am generally not a patient person. I am trying to take things day by day, trying to love myself and trying to still see what is good around me admist all the dark.

Today...

I am really struggling. I feel worse than usual and feel like I cant get myself together. Everything is making me angry and upset. I have taken notice of just how many pregnant woment there are in the world. I look and them and think that they make it look so easy. Their babies grew healthy inside of them and someday soon they will get to meet their sweet baby. I cant let Ellie go. I feel like I am starting to miss her more instead of less. When I see picutures of baby girls I look away. I yearn to know her sweet face and too look into her eyes to meet her soul. I am so afraid that will never happen in this lifetime and I dont know how to cope with that possibility. I feel like a bad mother. It takes everything sometimes to just do the basics, get up, feed the kids, go to work, etc. I dont want to take outings. Going to the park or library seem like unbearable tasks, so I dont go. I feel alone, so alone. I feel as though I have lost a part of myself and I dont know how to get it back. I feel ugly and fat, yet have no motivation to do anything to feel better about it. I dont care what fucking celeberty is pregnant or what they are craving. Who the fuck cares? Where do I go to feel better. There is no where to go. I am annoyed by support boards and annoyed by the grief and loss books. I just feel like I have become broken and I worry I will never be whole again. I worry this will never go away. I worry the tears will never stop. I worry I will always feel like I am missing something. I want this to go away. Why did I even get pregnant in the first place?? Is this all a sick joke on me? Is it my karma? Everything seems out of order and I just dont know where to start.

And the RE says....

we dont usually see cases like yours. Hmm.. well that feels good to know. Most women with recurrent miscarriages dont have all of them due to different chormosomal issues. We know that our chormosomes are normal it just seems to be something that happens during the early stages of embryo development. My RE was also kind enough to tell me that its the egg's job to properly divide the cells. I already carry enough, now I need to be angry at the eggs who screwed up the math. Basically I was told that I could try until we get it right or try ivf with PGD which is expensive and has its limitations. And to top it off, we dont know that our insurance would even cover ivf in our case since we dont need the ivf to get pregnant but need the ivf to do the PGD. Do I have it in me to do it again? I dont know. I was reading something from where I went to college in which updates what its alumni are doing now. There were other dancers there who were doing amazing things. I suddenly felt like I wasnt good enough or successful enough. I feel like I cant succeed at times or that I want to do something bigger. I dont even know what that is. Perhaps its is just restlessness or that I need some kind of life other than my work or parenting. I feel very restless today and unsure of everything. I feel like I have no control.

Friday August 7, 2009

Today has been a little better for the first time in 2 weeks. Is is okay to feel a little better? Ellie I still miss you every second that you have been gone from me. I try to tell myself that your spirit is still held tight in my laughter and my happiness and that I dont have to constantly be sad to love and miss you. I am not sure why I am happier... maybe its time, or maybe its that my husband is home with me today and I have a break. Perhaps its because I have felt more loved and appreciated the past few days or even that I dont feel as fat today. I am sure the increase in meds hasnt hurt either. Anyway I will take this feeling, even if it only lasts for a few hours or days. Its a nice needed break from my saddness. We have our RE consult on Monday so I am hoping to get some hope back.

more for today

so I guess I love to torture myself. Through the past two losses I started posting on DDC and then I have to leave. I go from being on the DD list to "in rememberence." If I really want to hurt I can go back to the board to see exactly what I would be doing right now if I were still pregnant. I watch the DDC clubs move up and just see myself getting back in line. I have to start over. I have had too many first initial OB appts. Everytime they try to give me that stupid baby bag with all the coupons I just say no thank you now. Quit trying to give me that bag! I am really mad, mad, mad and mad. It doesnt even feel any better to write the word. It always seems like I always get the pleasure of finding out I am pregnant the exact same time as someone else in my circle somewhere. I then get the pleasure of really watching things unfold. I get to know forever exactly how old my lost babies would be. And then everyone forgets about your baby. The begin to say insenstive things. After my first loss someone close to me would constantly complain about being pregnant and how uncomfortable they were. It hurt so bad and they had no idea. I wish I had no idea about any of this. I wish I was pregnant and complaining about my fat ass or complaining that I was too tired to do the laundry. I wish I could complain about having another c section or not having enough help around the house. I wish I could complain about this things, but now all I complain about is being hurt.

Wednesday Aug 5, 2009

last night we took our boys to a local carnival with a friend. It was nice to do something and the boys had a good time. For a few hours I felt like myself again. I felt myself feeling happiness and was actually focused on things other than my loss. As a watched my boys enjoying themselves i was thinking how much I enjoy being their mother. I think about my losses, boys and girls and have come to realize I may not be able to get all of them back. However I am happy with whomever returns, boy or girl. I thought after knowing this last one was girl that I may become focused on wanting my daughter back. I just want any of my babies back. I guess I believe that when these little ones are lost that there is an opportunity for them to come back if that spirit chooses. I always invite them back. I wait in anticipation on who may return and will have to trust that its whomever is meant to walk in this lifetime with me.

After i came home last night I felt sad for a period of time, not completely related to the loss but any saddness or disspointment triggers the loss. It really hurts. Its like when you have an old injury, as soon as it starts to heal a little you jar it or bump it into something. When the pain returns it was like it was before, hurting so badly, like its the beginning. Then it gets better for a while only to return even years later if something disturbs enough.

I am hoping to have more happy moments coming my way. I feel like Mary J "no more drama in my life." I want the sun to shine down on me and I want to full its full warmth. I want God and the archangel Micheal to protect me and my family from the pain and help pull us back to a happier place. All I can do right now is believe its coming my way.

August 2, 2009

Well the sun did come out for a bit and her name is Harley. She is a white female boxer and as sweet as can be. She cant replace Ellie, but she gives us all hope. Its hard not to look at her and smile. She approaches each moment like its going to be great. She assumes all will be well and doesnt seem to worry that anything bad will happen. I am trying to approach the world in that way myself but it doesnt always work. I always thought that everyone had an equal share of hardship in life but now I am not so sure. I thought my grown up life was going to be perfect since I was often sad as a child. I thought I am getting through the hard stuff at a young age. Although the wise adult I am becoming tells me that everyone is suprised how hard life is. I have moments even in my saddness where I can see how full things are. I have two beautiful boys and a husband who really love me. I know thats what counts, its just hard to think about losing 4 beautiful souls. Today I bought pink flowers for Ellie and laid them under our cherry tree. The tree sits under my bedroom window next to our pond. I leave the window open at night to feel close and often here the frogs chatting with her. My youngest is drawn to that tree. He will go over there and sit with the angels we have placed under the tree. I cant help but wonder if he can see them. The say children are so open that they often are the ones who can see angels. He certainly is drawn to the tree. My oldest doesnt notice for now at 5, he has learned to doubt those types of things. (not from me ofcourse). I told him the other day how he can always ask archangel Michael for help when he needs it. Throughout the day he continued to ask, "what was that man's name again." I love my children, even the ones I havent met. Maybe in the next life they will be the first to greet me. We will have a lot of catching up to do.

August 1st, 2009

Today we will drive to see about a puppy in PA. I havent told anyone because I was afraid they would tell me it wasnt a good idea. They will say that I am already overwelmed with all there is to do, and yes it is true. I am trying to find a way to put our family back together. Its not just for me but my husband as well. I know he needs something. He has been excited since we started talking about it. The distraction will be nice and that puppy will be a reminder of our Ellie. I had my follow up yesterday and Chad and I are doing bloodwork to see if we carry some type of chromosomal issue that would explain our losses. Ellie had triploidy, a lethal chromosomal issue where she had 69 chromosomes instead of 46. She had an extra one of everything. Our loss is April was a trisomy 11, just one extra of #11 and he was a boy. Its hard to think about these losses. Where are these babies? Who would they have been in this world. I try to believe that they were never meant to fully be here or they would have. Maybe there is some need for the soul to be around just for a short while and they are finished the work they needed to do. Maybe they are the holiest of souls. Athough I am ready to receive a soul that can stick around a little longer. Out of our four losses only Ellie is buried in the yard. I feel like she is close. The others since the last two were tested have ended up somewhere in medical waste which truly saddens my heart. I felt like the need to know what was going on was greater than my need at the time to have them close. So for the others they have concrete reminders placed under the memorial weeping cherry tree. I am starting to feel hopeful about trying again. I know it will be a big undertaking and we have a consult set up with a fertility center to see about major high tech procedures to decrease our chances of becoming pregnant with embryos that have chromosomal disorders. I am trying to take it a day at a time and see what unfolds. I just know there is a little spirit trying to join our family and I feel compelled to do everything I can to get that little one here. Wouldnt you do everything you could to find your child if they were lost somewhere?

July 30, 2009

Another day goes by without you... Everytime I hear or read that someone is pregnant I find myself feeling sad. I remember after I first had Benny, I would pray at night for the several friends I had at the time having fertility issues. Now I pray for me. I pray for you. I think about you throughout the day and wonder. Oh do I wonder.... Will I ever know you? I had this crazy thought today about getting a puppy. Getting a puppy would have been the last thing on my mind this time last week, however things change as you know. I find myself needing something to keep me together and to distract all of us from the pain we are feeling. Maybe something soft and sweet is just what we need right now. I know it will never replace you or take away the hurt or loss, but isnt it okay to want to have something to look forward to right now something we can hold and see as a symbol of hope. I miss you so. Its almost been a week.

July 29th, 2009

today was a hard day.... I cried and screamed. I screamed for Ellie. I screamed to love her, know her and cried at the realization that it wasnt going to happen. I feel like I cannot find myself and I feel like I am really missing something. This isnt my first loss but somehow this feels so big. I find myself constantly trying to find ways to escape the pain. It only works temporarily and then I am back facing it again. I have two wonderful boys and they fill my heart up with love everyday. It saddens me to know they wont meet Ellie either. The dont even know I was pregnant with her. In fact I hadnt told a lot of people about being pregnant. I dont know if that has made things better or worse. Sometimes its like she was all a dream. Life keeps going on. I just try to get through every moment. There are times I am happy because I can get a cup of coffee. Sometimes the highlight of my day is deciding which caffeinated drink I am going to have (as I gave it up in pregnancy). I hope to someday have hope again. I hope to find a way to let go and move on... But for now I am right here.

July 27th, 2009

I woke up today to the sun shining and the birds doing their morning greetings to each other. It was like any other morning except that I was no longer pregnant. I wondered how things outside could be so promsising when I felt so horrible on the inside. My littlest lay sleeping next to me and I looked in amazement in what I was able to create with him. He was perfect and I know how lucky I am to have him. I know there are women who dont ever know what its like to have a biological child. I have been lucky enough to do that twice. There was a period after my second loss that I feared that would never happen. And there Sammy was, my rainbow baby. As I face the day I dont know how to face it. It doesnt help to talk to friends and distractions only work for so long before I am left with myself again. I dont know how to let go. I feel deeply hurt. It hurts so deep that I dont know how to reach it. I dont know where I am.

My journey through motherhood

July 25, 2009
Today I say goodbye to my little angel Ellie. Thats what we call you because we think you were a girl. This is my fourth loss in four years. We thought you were going to make it. You made it to 14 + weeks which is always a good sign for us. The docs thought something might be wrong with you. My bloodwork came back with very low hormone levels and the amniotic fluid around you was lower than expected. They thought you might have Trisomy 13/18 or that your placenta just wasnt funtioning properly. We worried we would have to make a difficult decision regarding how to proceed with the pregnancy. I thank you for taking that burden away from us. We had a CVS done yesterday to find out what might have been wrong. We struggled with whether to get the test since it did run the risk of loss but we felt we needed to know what was going on with you. I pray that it wasnt the test that caused you to leave but rather that you needed to be somewhere else. Today was the first day I really felt you move. Perhaps it was a final gift from you. I felt you moving all day and even heard your heart beating. You passed peacefully and we put you under our favorite tree in our yard. Thats were we have put reminders for our other angels lost. I take comfort in knowing that maybe you are with them, enjoying each other's company laughing and playing and healthy. I hope to meet you one day. I know you would have been beautiful and kind. I hope that you will consider coming back if the timing is right for you. Please know how much you were wanted and loved. I will never forget the short time we have spent together. I will cherish the images of you on the ultrasounds, the sound of your heart beating and your tiny kicks against my stomach. I will always be your mother and I look forward to being with you again someday. Someday.... just not yet.