Reminders....

They are everywhere. I will be somewhere just doing my thing and they can come at any moment. this morning as I dropped my son off at school a mother was laughing to others as she said she needed to go buy more shirts that would cover her belly; her pregnant belly. I was suddenly reminded about my 3rd loss, who would have been a boy. I should be about 8 weeks from meeting him right now. I should be big, uncomfortable and tired. Instead he is gone, isnt going to be born and doesnt even have a name. I am reminded of how he is gone and I am not anticipating his arrival as fall begins. I then shift to think that I should also be pregnant with my daugter, I am thinking about 20 weeks or so. I should be feeling her kick, dreaming about her face and anticipating the moment I will meet my very first daughter. Instead I am left to think about her 69 chromosomes instead of 46. I am left to think about my last moments seeing her move, feeling her kick and her birth. Her small tiny body that I was afraid to look at, afraid to touch. I really regret that and I am so sorry that the only chance I had to see or touch her I let go. I appreciate my wonderful husband lovingly placing her under our wheeping cherry, below the angels that represent our first two losses. I am sad to let time pass, sad to have to face what could have been. I miss my babies every day, minute and second. I am the mother of 6 children and only two I will know in this lifetime.