Could it be

That this is going to work out this time? I am still around, 13 weeks pregnant as of tomorrow. So far the test results, ie ultrasound and bloodwork has come out NORMAL!! It felt so good to hear that. It literally was one of the best moments of my life. I guess you cant appreciate good news if you havent experienced bad news. I am still afraid... Sometimes I wake up early in the am to lay and bed and let my mind wander. I find myself perseverating on any possible thing that could go wrong. I have strange and scarey dreams that I wake up from thankful it was just a dream. I keep waiting for someone to pull the rug out from under me. I feel like as soon as I give in and believe I will be tricked again somehow. I keep trying to focus on the positive, all the good signs that its going to work out. I guess its normal to be afraid, to be cautious. I want my happy ending so bad. I want to meet and love this little one. Hear that universe?

A new day....

So its been quite some time since I wrote. My last IUI was negative and I just felt like I really needed a break from it all. So last week I find out that I am pregnant again! Again! After finding out my emotions fluctuated between happiness and hope to fear and despair. I have prayed these last 10 months since losing Ellie for many things... sometime I prayed for Ellie to come back, sometimes I prayed for my desire for more children to go away and finally after the advice of my best friend prayed for whatever was in the best interest of everyone to happen. I have only known for a few days and had been coping fairly well until today. Today I started having tooth pain. The dentist believes I will need a root canal done, which means xrays and lidocaine. Everything says to wait until you are in your second trimester to do dental work if you can. Well, I cant wait. Somehow the axiety of all of it sent me over the edge this morning. I began to cry and cry and just hurt. I thought about all my losses and asked God directly to not ask me to hurt again. I dont want to ever feel that way again. I want to have hope but I have felt blindsided so many times. I try to just survive each day and hope that the next I am still pregnant. I would hope that God would not ask me to do this again, ie another loss, but what if God isnt in charge of this one. I am asking every gaurdian angel out there to protect me and this little one. Please show me your light and protection. I know I have got to get a hold of myself. I am hoping that I can soon.

Waiting again...

So here I am in another 2WW. I did my 4th IUI cycle, this time with clomid and injectables. I started with 4 follicles and ended up with 2 mature in the end. I have decided that if I get another bfn that we will be taking a break. Most IUI's are successfull within the first 4 attempts and even the Re has said that it doesnt make sense to do another cycle this way. So I guess if this doesnt happen than they will recommend IVF. Its crazy to think that in the past 3 years had two successul IUIs and two spontaneous pregnancies last year, but now might need IVF?? Dosent that just seem crazy!! So much about fertility is such as mystery....

So I guess there is some relief in sight. I know that whatever happens this will be it for awhile. I will try on my own I guess and consider IVF if I still feel it in the fall. So here I am hoping for something good to happen. Scared that will and scared that it wont. I try and hang out somewhere in the midde of my consciousness and take it one piece at at time.

Moving Along...

And so its been a while. Ellie's due date was last week. I should be holding my new born baby right now, but I am not. Last week I put roses and a candle under her special tree and angel. I cant believe its been so long since she left me. I miss her all the time.

As for my fertility, I am on my 4th IUI cycle with a combo of clomid and injectables. The first two cycles only produced one follicle, this last one 3, but still no luck. I had felt really positive about the last one. I am starting to doubt my intutition about things. If this cycle doesnt work I will probably take a break. I am tired of taking the crazy meds and tired of being bloated and fat. I am hoping this one will work and I will have a baby with 46 chromosomes! Otherwise I will have to pause for awhile and regroup physically and emotionally.