Could it be...

really this long since I posted here dear Ellie. On Jan 9th 2011 Sofie Faye was born healthy and beautiful. I know Ellie you were there with us too. I know you had a hand in making this miracle happen and somewhere inside of Sofie I know you exist too. I still think about you all the time. I havent forgotten. In a few days it will be the second anniversary of your birth. I keep thinking about what to do yet nothing seems fitting. Nothing takes away the pain of not having you here with us. I wonder if you can feel me where you are. Do you know how much your Dad and I love you and how much we continue to think about you. Sometimes, like right now it hurts so bad inside. I am so sorry that I didnt hold you when you were born. It was my only chance and I let it go out of fear. I so wish I could take it back and do it differently. I just didnt think I could survive it at the time. Please know how much you are still loved. I look forward to the day that we will meet again. You are in my heart and every thought that I take. I am always your mother my dear Ellie.

Could it be

That this is going to work out this time? I am still around, 13 weeks pregnant as of tomorrow. So far the test results, ie ultrasound and bloodwork has come out NORMAL!! It felt so good to hear that. It literally was one of the best moments of my life. I guess you cant appreciate good news if you havent experienced bad news. I am still afraid... Sometimes I wake up early in the am to lay and bed and let my mind wander. I find myself perseverating on any possible thing that could go wrong. I have strange and scarey dreams that I wake up from thankful it was just a dream. I keep waiting for someone to pull the rug out from under me. I feel like as soon as I give in and believe I will be tricked again somehow. I keep trying to focus on the positive, all the good signs that its going to work out. I guess its normal to be afraid, to be cautious. I want my happy ending so bad. I want to meet and love this little one. Hear that universe?

A new day....

So its been quite some time since I wrote. My last IUI was negative and I just felt like I really needed a break from it all. So last week I find out that I am pregnant again! Again! After finding out my emotions fluctuated between happiness and hope to fear and despair. I have prayed these last 10 months since losing Ellie for many things... sometime I prayed for Ellie to come back, sometimes I prayed for my desire for more children to go away and finally after the advice of my best friend prayed for whatever was in the best interest of everyone to happen. I have only known for a few days and had been coping fairly well until today. Today I started having tooth pain. The dentist believes I will need a root canal done, which means xrays and lidocaine. Everything says to wait until you are in your second trimester to do dental work if you can. Well, I cant wait. Somehow the axiety of all of it sent me over the edge this morning. I began to cry and cry and just hurt. I thought about all my losses and asked God directly to not ask me to hurt again. I dont want to ever feel that way again. I want to have hope but I have felt blindsided so many times. I try to just survive each day and hope that the next I am still pregnant. I would hope that God would not ask me to do this again, ie another loss, but what if God isnt in charge of this one. I am asking every gaurdian angel out there to protect me and this little one. Please show me your light and protection. I know I have got to get a hold of myself. I am hoping that I can soon.

Waiting again...

So here I am in another 2WW. I did my 4th IUI cycle, this time with clomid and injectables. I started with 4 follicles and ended up with 2 mature in the end. I have decided that if I get another bfn that we will be taking a break. Most IUI's are successfull within the first 4 attempts and even the Re has said that it doesnt make sense to do another cycle this way. So I guess if this doesnt happen than they will recommend IVF. Its crazy to think that in the past 3 years had two successul IUIs and two spontaneous pregnancies last year, but now might need IVF?? Dosent that just seem crazy!! So much about fertility is such as mystery....

So I guess there is some relief in sight. I know that whatever happens this will be it for awhile. I will try on my own I guess and consider IVF if I still feel it in the fall. So here I am hoping for something good to happen. Scared that will and scared that it wont. I try and hang out somewhere in the midde of my consciousness and take it one piece at at time.

Moving Along...

And so its been a while. Ellie's due date was last week. I should be holding my new born baby right now, but I am not. Last week I put roses and a candle under her special tree and angel. I cant believe its been so long since she left me. I miss her all the time.

As for my fertility, I am on my 4th IUI cycle with a combo of clomid and injectables. The first two cycles only produced one follicle, this last one 3, but still no luck. I had felt really positive about the last one. I am starting to doubt my intutition about things. If this cycle doesnt work I will probably take a break. I am tired of taking the crazy meds and tired of being bloated and fat. I am hoping this one will work and I will have a baby with 46 chromosomes! Otherwise I will have to pause for awhile and regroup physically and emotionally.

And so here we are again... the first cycle was negative. I had this feeling it would be. I was upset for a day and then relief followed. I was relieved of the worry that would have come with a pregnancy. So we are onto to cycle 2 of IUI. I am not really thinking about it, but rather just going through the steps to get there. I cant think too much. Its overwhelming to think of it all and to remember all we have been through to get here.

Last night I had a moment where I realized where I was. It was if I had woken up suddenly. I looked at my Christmas tree and thought about how it has always been my favorite time of year. I then moved onto the fact that I should be really pregnant right now. I should be dreaming of meeting my little girl and in awe of the fact that I am having a girl! I should be getting things ready and buying little clothes. I should be trying to figure out sleeping arrangements and preparing my boys. But instead I stare thinking of what might have been. I think about my next IUI and wonder if I will have another baby. I think this may need to be it for me. I dont want to lose another. After so many what would be left of me. So I continue to hope that I will get my wish and make it on the Xmas tree since that brings hope and wonder to little ones. I also marve at how lucky I am to have my boys. They are beautiful little souls who lift me up every day by just saying my name. I know I am blessed, I know I am lucky.... Is it wrong to just want one more?

Feeling negative

I have somehow lost my momentum. I am not as hopeful as I was almost two weeks ago right after the IUI. I fear I am not pregnant and I fear that hearing someone tell me that will trigger the flood of emotions related to loss. I have to go away this weekend with my family for my mother's birthday. I am scheduled to get bw done that morning and will probably hear something that afternoon as I am headed there. How will I act normal if its negative. I dont even know that I will have the space to cry if I need to. Only my mother knows we did an IUI so I cant even be real with everyone. I tried to see if I could move the bw appt up a day so that if its negative I can have a day to be sad, but they said its too early. Because I had a trigger shot of HCG it could show a false positiv if done too early. Its CD 11. I am fat. Fat because I have slowed down my exersize and eat all in sight. The hormones are making me tired, irritable, bloated and craving all kinds of food. I had to go buy fat clothes. I hate being fat. Fucking hate it!

I feel sad about a story in the news of a mother who sold her 5 yr old for possible prostitution and she was murdered. The mother has other children and is currently pregnant. Why is she pregnant?? There are so many women who are struggling to have a baby and would love and cherish that baby so why are babies given to women who hurt and abuse them. It makes me mad.