Hope...

And so it begins.... the journey.... I have no idea where I am headed and whether it is even a wise journey to take. The journey could end with a beautiful result, a healthy baby; or disasterously, with no baby and heartache again. A heartache I dont want to experience again. So why do I go there, why do I have hope? How do I have hope?? As crazy as it is I do. Perhaps its the feeling like I am not alone with this. I feel Ellie with me, her strength, her perservance in her effort to survive. After I lost her I prayed and hoped she would be coming back. I had this wild vision yesterday of her. She was walking towards me holding out her arms with a newborn baby in it. It was if she was brining someone to me, someone new. I couldnt see much of the baby but it felt like a boy to me. Seeing this made me realize that maybe she wasnt coming back. A month ago this thought would have broken my heart, but somehow I am okay with it today. Ellie is such a strong being and I am starting to hear that they need her on the other side. I do believe she is sending someone new to join our family. I hear this very quiet voice inside saying everything is going to be okay and that a little boy will joining our family. I am not pregnant right now, but hope to be soon. I think I am a little crazy maybe, or maybe just hopeful. Hopefull that something beautiful can occur again, that I can trust my body and birth another child. I want to see that the sun can shine down again and that this hurt and saddness will be lifted. I will never forget my losses but I am ready for things to work. I am ready to trust, ready to try and read to have hope...