It has returned...

the sadness that is, the emptiness I feel quite frequently thoughout the days. I just dont know how to do this. I dont know how to exist without my baby Ellie. She was real to me. I knew her, felt her and could feel her spirit inside of me. Sometimes when its quiet and I see a beautiful sky, sunset or feel the wind, I can almost touch her. I feel like its the closest I can come to her spirit, to knowing her. Sometimes I am able to briefly forget, hold my breath and pretend it was just a dream. I am often shocked when I think of my experiences with 4 pregnancies losses. Its as if I am hearing about it happening to someone else. I hurt. I cry and it doesnt make it better. I have often told people that time with heal things, but now I am not so sure. I dont know that time will heal this. I think I may get to a point where I come to some integration of it, but I will never fully heal. I feel such a sense of profound loss and grief. I am supposed to be greeting the fall with a sense of excitement and anticipation of meeting my baby girl, my last child, my rainbow baby. Instead I face the unknown again. I feel like I am lost in the desert alone and tired. There are many ways to go that look like nowhere and there isnt anyone to guide me. I feel like my voice isnt present, as though I can no longer hear myself. So I just walk aimlessly hoping that somehow I am going the right way. There is no guide, no light, no map just simply open space and I have no idea of where I am headed.

Ellie,
I long to know you, hold you and be your mother. I feel so sad that you are gone. I dont know how to exist without you. I think about you everyday and feel so completely cheated out of my life with you. I want to start over, go back, do this right. I can only hope that you are near me. Perhaps you can feel my love from here and feel my arms hold what is simply a memory of you. My heart is breaking over you. Please stay close to me. Please rest in the whisper of the wind and the greetings of the birds as they meet the sun. Please know how much you are loved and were wanted.