And so...

Its been awhile. I have thought about writing several times but conciously chose not to. I have been feeling better and worry the urge to write would be painful. There is nothing wrong with feeling the pain of a painful situation however I am tired from the pain. I want a break from it. The other morning I felt it as my oldest son asked when we might have another baby, specifically a girl. He doesnt know about Elle, so I told him it was up to God to decide. And I do believe that. I have asked God to not let me get pregnant again until its the one that is going to make it here with me. I cant take the idea of another loss nor the idea of not having my third child who is out there waiting for me. So I guess we are trying again on our own and we will see. I am finally feeling better, having more good days than bad. I have been working out every day with my husband and it feels great. My better is starting to look good again and I am starting to feel like myself. Its been a long 8 months here. I cant believe this all began in Febuary. I am hoping so much that God is planning something good for our family. My husand and I have really worked through some things and I pray that we can hold onto that. It seems like when I get pregnant things break down because I become so consumed with my anxiety. When it happens again I dont plan on doing it like before. I wont be going for 4 ultrasounds before I am even 10 weeks. I cant do it. I cant again scrutinize every measurement, everything I see on the screen. Sometimes I wonder whether I can even lay on that table again without losing it. I dont want to feel that ever again. I am hoping for good things to come, but I know I have good things in my life. After I explained to my 5 year old, vaugely that I have had some trouble having babies, he replied, "Well I guess you are really lucky then to have me and Sammy." I am.... but is it wrong to wish for a little more luck?