My journey through motherhood

July 25, 2009
Today I say goodbye to my little angel Ellie. Thats what we call you because we think you were a girl. This is my fourth loss in four years. We thought you were going to make it. You made it to 14 + weeks which is always a good sign for us. The docs thought something might be wrong with you. My bloodwork came back with very low hormone levels and the amniotic fluid around you was lower than expected. They thought you might have Trisomy 13/18 or that your placenta just wasnt funtioning properly. We worried we would have to make a difficult decision regarding how to proceed with the pregnancy. I thank you for taking that burden away from us. We had a CVS done yesterday to find out what might have been wrong. We struggled with whether to get the test since it did run the risk of loss but we felt we needed to know what was going on with you. I pray that it wasnt the test that caused you to leave but rather that you needed to be somewhere else. Today was the first day I really felt you move. Perhaps it was a final gift from you. I felt you moving all day and even heard your heart beating. You passed peacefully and we put you under our favorite tree in our yard. Thats were we have put reminders for our other angels lost. I take comfort in knowing that maybe you are with them, enjoying each other's company laughing and playing and healthy. I hope to meet you one day. I know you would have been beautiful and kind. I hope that you will consider coming back if the timing is right for you. Please know how much you were wanted and loved. I will never forget the short time we have spent together. I will cherish the images of you on the ultrasounds, the sound of your heart beating and your tiny kicks against my stomach. I will always be your mother and I look forward to being with you again someday. Someday.... just not yet.