Feeling negative

I have somehow lost my momentum. I am not as hopeful as I was almost two weeks ago right after the IUI. I fear I am not pregnant and I fear that hearing someone tell me that will trigger the flood of emotions related to loss. I have to go away this weekend with my family for my mother's birthday. I am scheduled to get bw done that morning and will probably hear something that afternoon as I am headed there. How will I act normal if its negative. I dont even know that I will have the space to cry if I need to. Only my mother knows we did an IUI so I cant even be real with everyone. I tried to see if I could move the bw appt up a day so that if its negative I can have a day to be sad, but they said its too early. Because I had a trigger shot of HCG it could show a false positiv if done too early. Its CD 11. I am fat. Fat because I have slowed down my exersize and eat all in sight. The hormones are making me tired, irritable, bloated and craving all kinds of food. I had to go buy fat clothes. I hate being fat. Fucking hate it!

I feel sad about a story in the news of a mother who sold her 5 yr old for possible prostitution and she was murdered. The mother has other children and is currently pregnant. Why is she pregnant?? There are so many women who are struggling to have a baby and would love and cherish that baby so why are babies given to women who hurt and abuse them. It makes me mad.