last night we took our boys to a local carnival with a friend. It was nice to do something and the boys had a good time. For a few hours I felt like myself again. I felt myself feeling happiness and was actually focused on things other than my loss. As a watched my boys enjoying themselves i was thinking how much I enjoy being their mother. I think about my losses, boys and girls and have come to realize I may not be able to get all of them back. However I am happy with whomever returns, boy or girl. I thought after knowing this last one was girl that I may become focused on wanting my daughter back. I just want any of my babies back. I guess I believe that when these little ones are lost that there is an opportunity for them to come back if that spirit chooses. I always invite them back. I wait in anticipation on who may return and will have to trust that its whomever is meant to walk in this lifetime with me.
After i came home last night I felt sad for a period of time, not completely related to the loss but any saddness or disspointment triggers the loss. It really hurts. Its like when you have an old injury, as soon as it starts to heal a little you jar it or bump it into something. When the pain returns it was like it was before, hurting so badly, like its the beginning. Then it gets better for a while only to return even years later if something disturbs enough.
I am hoping to have more happy moments coming my way. I feel like Mary J "no more drama in my life." I want the sun to shine down on me and I want to full its full warmth. I want God and the archangel Micheal to protect me and my family from the pain and help pull us back to a happier place. All I can do right now is believe its coming my way.
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