August 1st, 2009

Today we will drive to see about a puppy in PA. I havent told anyone because I was afraid they would tell me it wasnt a good idea. They will say that I am already overwelmed with all there is to do, and yes it is true. I am trying to find a way to put our family back together. Its not just for me but my husband as well. I know he needs something. He has been excited since we started talking about it. The distraction will be nice and that puppy will be a reminder of our Ellie. I had my follow up yesterday and Chad and I are doing bloodwork to see if we carry some type of chromosomal issue that would explain our losses. Ellie had triploidy, a lethal chromosomal issue where she had 69 chromosomes instead of 46. She had an extra one of everything. Our loss is April was a trisomy 11, just one extra of #11 and he was a boy. Its hard to think about these losses. Where are these babies? Who would they have been in this world. I try to believe that they were never meant to fully be here or they would have. Maybe there is some need for the soul to be around just for a short while and they are finished the work they needed to do. Maybe they are the holiest of souls. Athough I am ready to receive a soul that can stick around a little longer. Out of our four losses only Ellie is buried in the yard. I feel like she is close. The others since the last two were tested have ended up somewhere in medical waste which truly saddens my heart. I felt like the need to know what was going on was greater than my need at the time to have them close. So for the others they have concrete reminders placed under the memorial weeping cherry tree. I am starting to feel hopeful about trying again. I know it will be a big undertaking and we have a consult set up with a fertility center to see about major high tech procedures to decrease our chances of becoming pregnant with embryos that have chromosomal disorders. I am trying to take it a day at a time and see what unfolds. I just know there is a little spirit trying to join our family and I feel compelled to do everything I can to get that little one here. Wouldnt you do everything you could to find your child if they were lost somewhere?