In the middle.

Today I feel in the middle, the grey of life. I feel okay being here today because while I dont feel overjoyed I dont feel devastated either. My 5 year old is starting Kindergarten on Monday which is exciting. I am trying not to lose sight of the good things that are still happening around me even when I am still grieveing. I am hoping that the start of the school year will bring with it a flurry of distractions. I can use distractions, I like distractions. They keep me sane at times. I have started therapy which feels helpful. My therapist put it just right... I want a "do over" That is exactly it. I do want a "do over" I want to start over and I want it to go right. I want it to work and I want to meet my baby. Ellie is gone and there is nothing I can do to change that. I wont know her, I wont send her off to her first day of Kindegarten and I wont watch her grow into a woman. I have decisions to make about my future. I know there is another soul who is supposed to be here and I am very clear about that I just dont know when. I have to put things on hold since I have to get a LEEP procedure done next week and I have to wait 3-4 months to try again. I guess I am okay with waiting, however I am generally not a patient person. I am trying to take things day by day, trying to love myself and trying to still see what is good around me admist all the dark.