more for today

so I guess I love to torture myself. Through the past two losses I started posting on DDC and then I have to leave. I go from being on the DD list to "in rememberence." If I really want to hurt I can go back to the board to see exactly what I would be doing right now if I were still pregnant. I watch the DDC clubs move up and just see myself getting back in line. I have to start over. I have had too many first initial OB appts. Everytime they try to give me that stupid baby bag with all the coupons I just say no thank you now. Quit trying to give me that bag! I am really mad, mad, mad and mad. It doesnt even feel any better to write the word. It always seems like I always get the pleasure of finding out I am pregnant the exact same time as someone else in my circle somewhere. I then get the pleasure of really watching things unfold. I get to know forever exactly how old my lost babies would be. And then everyone forgets about your baby. The begin to say insenstive things. After my first loss someone close to me would constantly complain about being pregnant and how uncomfortable they were. It hurt so bad and they had no idea. I wish I had no idea about any of this. I wish I was pregnant and complaining about my fat ass or complaining that I was too tired to do the laundry. I wish I could complain about having another c section or not having enough help around the house. I wish I could complain about this things, but now all I complain about is being hurt.