In so many ways. I had my LEEP procedure on Friday. I feel fine physically just weird emotionally. I think the whole hospital experience has triggered my loss again. Sometimes I dont even know which loss is being triggered. As I got home from the hospital I got a paper in the mail from the fertility center telling me that IVF wont be covered by my insurance for me since I have had less than a year of infertility. They went on to list the reason as having two spontaneous pregnancies in the past year. I am not sure it counts if the baby isnt born. So I was able to get pregnant and able to loss them. There may be a procedure that may reduce my chances of that happening, but insurance doesnt want to pay because I have had two pregnancies and losses. I cant afford IVF on my own, so I guess I just play my chances. I wonder if the insurance company even considers me to have any sort of fertility issue. I feel like I dont fit it anywhere with this. I wonder if my infertility year starts over now even though I have had services in the past. I guess I could intentionally avoid pregnancy, play the game and go back and say its been a certain amount of time. Its all so frustrating. So here I am, not knowing what my next move is. I have to wait several months to give myself a chance to heal from the LEEP so I suppose that will give me the opportunity to see what door might open up next.
I have been up and down. I often dont even really know how I am feeling. I dont know what I am sad about sometimes and just feel like hiding. I wish I could take a break, go sit somewhere and just be for awhile. I have been trying to find moments that I really enjoy. Last night at dusk I had a few of those moments. I was outside with my son and it was the first night that really felt like fall. You could hear the crickets, feel the wind and watch it blow through the leaves of the trees. As I sat their quietly my son gently clung to me and hummed as we both enjoyed the moment. I felt alive, awake and happy to be right there in that moment. I tried to embrace it because lately those moments happen less often. I was to be connected to myself again, I want to trust my body again, trust the universe to send a healthy baby my way and trust that I will get my turn to hold her in my arms someday. For now, I hope, I pray and I try to hold onto every second that doesnt hurt.
Monday, September 7, 2009
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