July 27th, 2009

I woke up today to the sun shining and the birds doing their morning greetings to each other. It was like any other morning except that I was no longer pregnant. I wondered how things outside could be so promsising when I felt so horrible on the inside. My littlest lay sleeping next to me and I looked in amazement in what I was able to create with him. He was perfect and I know how lucky I am to have him. I know there are women who dont ever know what its like to have a biological child. I have been lucky enough to do that twice. There was a period after my second loss that I feared that would never happen. And there Sammy was, my rainbow baby. As I face the day I dont know how to face it. It doesnt help to talk to friends and distractions only work for so long before I am left with myself again. I dont know how to let go. I feel deeply hurt. It hurts so deep that I dont know how to reach it. I dont know where I am.