And so here we are again... the first cycle was negative. I had this feeling it would be. I was upset for a day and then relief followed. I was relieved of the worry that would have come with a pregnancy. So we are onto to cycle 2 of IUI. I am not really thinking about it, but rather just going through the steps to get there. I cant think too much. Its overwhelming to think of it all and to remember all we have been through to get here.

Last night I had a moment where I realized where I was. It was if I had woken up suddenly. I looked at my Christmas tree and thought about how it has always been my favorite time of year. I then moved onto the fact that I should be really pregnant right now. I should be dreaming of meeting my little girl and in awe of the fact that I am having a girl! I should be getting things ready and buying little clothes. I should be trying to figure out sleeping arrangements and preparing my boys. But instead I stare thinking of what might have been. I think about my next IUI and wonder if I will have another baby. I think this may need to be it for me. I dont want to lose another. After so many what would be left of me. So I continue to hope that I will get my wish and make it on the Xmas tree since that brings hope and wonder to little ones. I also marve at how lucky I am to have my boys. They are beautiful little souls who lift me up every day by just saying my name. I know I am blessed, I know I am lucky.... Is it wrong to just want one more?