Today...

I am really struggling. I feel worse than usual and feel like I cant get myself together. Everything is making me angry and upset. I have taken notice of just how many pregnant woment there are in the world. I look and them and think that they make it look so easy. Their babies grew healthy inside of them and someday soon they will get to meet their sweet baby. I cant let Ellie go. I feel like I am starting to miss her more instead of less. When I see picutures of baby girls I look away. I yearn to know her sweet face and too look into her eyes to meet her soul. I am so afraid that will never happen in this lifetime and I dont know how to cope with that possibility. I feel like a bad mother. It takes everything sometimes to just do the basics, get up, feed the kids, go to work, etc. I dont want to take outings. Going to the park or library seem like unbearable tasks, so I dont go. I feel alone, so alone. I feel as though I have lost a part of myself and I dont know how to get it back. I feel ugly and fat, yet have no motivation to do anything to feel better about it. I dont care what fucking celeberty is pregnant or what they are craving. Who the fuck cares? Where do I go to feel better. There is no where to go. I am annoyed by support boards and annoyed by the grief and loss books. I just feel like I have become broken and I worry I will never be whole again. I worry this will never go away. I worry the tears will never stop. I worry I will always feel like I am missing something. I want this to go away. Why did I even get pregnant in the first place?? Is this all a sick joke on me? Is it my karma? Everything seems out of order and I just dont know where to start.