The 2ww

lots of thoughts going through my mind; some good, some bad, and some I just dont know. For some reason my anxiety is less than I thought since waiting to find out if I am pregnant is less stressful than waiting to see if I will have a miscarriage. I have given up some of excessive exercising since the hormones I am taking have made me gain weight. So I have surrendered. Today I surrendered so much I went out to get french fries and a hot fudge sundae. Did I also mention that the hormones give me cravings and increase my appetite. I am trying to stay positive and trying to hold out hope. I am even trying to prepare myself for a negative pregnancy test incase the IUI didnt work this time. And then what if it did work, did cell division happen correctly. Most people worry simpy did the sperm meet the egg. I take it one step farther and wonder whether cell division is occuring correctly and whether the chromosomes are lining up as they should. I keep thinking come on 46!! I want this new baby to enter our family, and I pray he/she is coming this time around. I pray and beg God to not take any more of my babies. During my IUI I secretly took pictures of Ellie and held them tight. I wanted her with me at that moment. I held them close to my heart to let her know that she could never be replaced and the decision to try was directly related to the hope and strength she has given me. I have invited Ellie back to me, but I dont think its for her to be here right now. I do believe her coming to me was a gift and as painful as it was I would never take it back. I know somewhere I am being prepared for greater work. I think she has saved my marriage. My husband and I are in a completely different place than we were a year ago. I feel so much more connected to him and feel a deeper sense of love and intimacy than ever before. I will always love Ellie and will always miss not knowing her. I know that one day when i am very old and about to die, I will start to smile knowing that the time has finally come. I know she will be the first to greet me and finally she will be with me. In the meantime I know she is arround me. I know she is in the good that happens and in the strength I find in dealing with the dark moments. For today, I enjoy my hot fudge sundae. I eat it and am reminded about the little things that make it all count...