It has returned...

the sadness that is, the emptiness I feel quite frequently thoughout the days. I just dont know how to do this. I dont know how to exist without my baby Ellie. She was real to me. I knew her, felt her and could feel her spirit inside of me. Sometimes when its quiet and I see a beautiful sky, sunset or feel the wind, I can almost touch her. I feel like its the closest I can come to her spirit, to knowing her. Sometimes I am able to briefly forget, hold my breath and pretend it was just a dream. I am often shocked when I think of my experiences with 4 pregnancies losses. Its as if I am hearing about it happening to someone else. I hurt. I cry and it doesnt make it better. I have often told people that time with heal things, but now I am not so sure. I dont know that time will heal this. I think I may get to a point where I come to some integration of it, but I will never fully heal. I feel such a sense of profound loss and grief. I am supposed to be greeting the fall with a sense of excitement and anticipation of meeting my baby girl, my last child, my rainbow baby. Instead I face the unknown again. I feel like I am lost in the desert alone and tired. There are many ways to go that look like nowhere and there isnt anyone to guide me. I feel like my voice isnt present, as though I can no longer hear myself. So I just walk aimlessly hoping that somehow I am going the right way. There is no guide, no light, no map just simply open space and I have no idea of where I am headed.

Ellie,
I long to know you, hold you and be your mother. I feel so sad that you are gone. I dont know how to exist without you. I think about you everyday and feel so completely cheated out of my life with you. I want to start over, go back, do this right. I can only hope that you are near me. Perhaps you can feel my love from here and feel my arms hold what is simply a memory of you. My heart is breaking over you. Please stay close to me. Please rest in the whisper of the wind and the greetings of the birds as they meet the sun. Please know how much you are loved and were wanted.

In the middle.

Today I feel in the middle, the grey of life. I feel okay being here today because while I dont feel overjoyed I dont feel devastated either. My 5 year old is starting Kindergarten on Monday which is exciting. I am trying not to lose sight of the good things that are still happening around me even when I am still grieveing. I am hoping that the start of the school year will bring with it a flurry of distractions. I can use distractions, I like distractions. They keep me sane at times. I have started therapy which feels helpful. My therapist put it just right... I want a "do over" That is exactly it. I do want a "do over" I want to start over and I want it to go right. I want it to work and I want to meet my baby. Ellie is gone and there is nothing I can do to change that. I wont know her, I wont send her off to her first day of Kindegarten and I wont watch her grow into a woman. I have decisions to make about my future. I know there is another soul who is supposed to be here and I am very clear about that I just dont know when. I have to put things on hold since I have to get a LEEP procedure done next week and I have to wait 3-4 months to try again. I guess I am okay with waiting, however I am generally not a patient person. I am trying to take things day by day, trying to love myself and trying to still see what is good around me admist all the dark.

Today...

I am really struggling. I feel worse than usual and feel like I cant get myself together. Everything is making me angry and upset. I have taken notice of just how many pregnant woment there are in the world. I look and them and think that they make it look so easy. Their babies grew healthy inside of them and someday soon they will get to meet their sweet baby. I cant let Ellie go. I feel like I am starting to miss her more instead of less. When I see picutures of baby girls I look away. I yearn to know her sweet face and too look into her eyes to meet her soul. I am so afraid that will never happen in this lifetime and I dont know how to cope with that possibility. I feel like a bad mother. It takes everything sometimes to just do the basics, get up, feed the kids, go to work, etc. I dont want to take outings. Going to the park or library seem like unbearable tasks, so I dont go. I feel alone, so alone. I feel as though I have lost a part of myself and I dont know how to get it back. I feel ugly and fat, yet have no motivation to do anything to feel better about it. I dont care what fucking celeberty is pregnant or what they are craving. Who the fuck cares? Where do I go to feel better. There is no where to go. I am annoyed by support boards and annoyed by the grief and loss books. I just feel like I have become broken and I worry I will never be whole again. I worry this will never go away. I worry the tears will never stop. I worry I will always feel like I am missing something. I want this to go away. Why did I even get pregnant in the first place?? Is this all a sick joke on me? Is it my karma? Everything seems out of order and I just dont know where to start.

And the RE says....

we dont usually see cases like yours. Hmm.. well that feels good to know. Most women with recurrent miscarriages dont have all of them due to different chormosomal issues. We know that our chormosomes are normal it just seems to be something that happens during the early stages of embryo development. My RE was also kind enough to tell me that its the egg's job to properly divide the cells. I already carry enough, now I need to be angry at the eggs who screwed up the math. Basically I was told that I could try until we get it right or try ivf with PGD which is expensive and has its limitations. And to top it off, we dont know that our insurance would even cover ivf in our case since we dont need the ivf to get pregnant but need the ivf to do the PGD. Do I have it in me to do it again? I dont know. I was reading something from where I went to college in which updates what its alumni are doing now. There were other dancers there who were doing amazing things. I suddenly felt like I wasnt good enough or successful enough. I feel like I cant succeed at times or that I want to do something bigger. I dont even know what that is. Perhaps its is just restlessness or that I need some kind of life other than my work or parenting. I feel very restless today and unsure of everything. I feel like I have no control.

Friday August 7, 2009

Today has been a little better for the first time in 2 weeks. Is is okay to feel a little better? Ellie I still miss you every second that you have been gone from me. I try to tell myself that your spirit is still held tight in my laughter and my happiness and that I dont have to constantly be sad to love and miss you. I am not sure why I am happier... maybe its time, or maybe its that my husband is home with me today and I have a break. Perhaps its because I have felt more loved and appreciated the past few days or even that I dont feel as fat today. I am sure the increase in meds hasnt hurt either. Anyway I will take this feeling, even if it only lasts for a few hours or days. Its a nice needed break from my saddness. We have our RE consult on Monday so I am hoping to get some hope back.

more for today

so I guess I love to torture myself. Through the past two losses I started posting on DDC and then I have to leave. I go from being on the DD list to "in rememberence." If I really want to hurt I can go back to the board to see exactly what I would be doing right now if I were still pregnant. I watch the DDC clubs move up and just see myself getting back in line. I have to start over. I have had too many first initial OB appts. Everytime they try to give me that stupid baby bag with all the coupons I just say no thank you now. Quit trying to give me that bag! I am really mad, mad, mad and mad. It doesnt even feel any better to write the word. It always seems like I always get the pleasure of finding out I am pregnant the exact same time as someone else in my circle somewhere. I then get the pleasure of really watching things unfold. I get to know forever exactly how old my lost babies would be. And then everyone forgets about your baby. The begin to say insenstive things. After my first loss someone close to me would constantly complain about being pregnant and how uncomfortable they were. It hurt so bad and they had no idea. I wish I had no idea about any of this. I wish I was pregnant and complaining about my fat ass or complaining that I was too tired to do the laundry. I wish I could complain about having another c section or not having enough help around the house. I wish I could complain about this things, but now all I complain about is being hurt.

Wednesday Aug 5, 2009

last night we took our boys to a local carnival with a friend. It was nice to do something and the boys had a good time. For a few hours I felt like myself again. I felt myself feeling happiness and was actually focused on things other than my loss. As a watched my boys enjoying themselves i was thinking how much I enjoy being their mother. I think about my losses, boys and girls and have come to realize I may not be able to get all of them back. However I am happy with whomever returns, boy or girl. I thought after knowing this last one was girl that I may become focused on wanting my daughter back. I just want any of my babies back. I guess I believe that when these little ones are lost that there is an opportunity for them to come back if that spirit chooses. I always invite them back. I wait in anticipation on who may return and will have to trust that its whomever is meant to walk in this lifetime with me.

After i came home last night I felt sad for a period of time, not completely related to the loss but any saddness or disspointment triggers the loss. It really hurts. Its like when you have an old injury, as soon as it starts to heal a little you jar it or bump it into something. When the pain returns it was like it was before, hurting so badly, like its the beginning. Then it gets better for a while only to return even years later if something disturbs enough.

I am hoping to have more happy moments coming my way. I feel like Mary J "no more drama in my life." I want the sun to shine down on me and I want to full its full warmth. I want God and the archangel Micheal to protect me and my family from the pain and help pull us back to a happier place. All I can do right now is believe its coming my way.

August 2, 2009

Well the sun did come out for a bit and her name is Harley. She is a white female boxer and as sweet as can be. She cant replace Ellie, but she gives us all hope. Its hard not to look at her and smile. She approaches each moment like its going to be great. She assumes all will be well and doesnt seem to worry that anything bad will happen. I am trying to approach the world in that way myself but it doesnt always work. I always thought that everyone had an equal share of hardship in life but now I am not so sure. I thought my grown up life was going to be perfect since I was often sad as a child. I thought I am getting through the hard stuff at a young age. Although the wise adult I am becoming tells me that everyone is suprised how hard life is. I have moments even in my saddness where I can see how full things are. I have two beautiful boys and a husband who really love me. I know thats what counts, its just hard to think about losing 4 beautiful souls. Today I bought pink flowers for Ellie and laid them under our cherry tree. The tree sits under my bedroom window next to our pond. I leave the window open at night to feel close and often here the frogs chatting with her. My youngest is drawn to that tree. He will go over there and sit with the angels we have placed under the tree. I cant help but wonder if he can see them. The say children are so open that they often are the ones who can see angels. He certainly is drawn to the tree. My oldest doesnt notice for now at 5, he has learned to doubt those types of things. (not from me ofcourse). I told him the other day how he can always ask archangel Michael for help when he needs it. Throughout the day he continued to ask, "what was that man's name again." I love my children, even the ones I havent met. Maybe in the next life they will be the first to greet me. We will have a lot of catching up to do.

August 1st, 2009

Today we will drive to see about a puppy in PA. I havent told anyone because I was afraid they would tell me it wasnt a good idea. They will say that I am already overwelmed with all there is to do, and yes it is true. I am trying to find a way to put our family back together. Its not just for me but my husband as well. I know he needs something. He has been excited since we started talking about it. The distraction will be nice and that puppy will be a reminder of our Ellie. I had my follow up yesterday and Chad and I are doing bloodwork to see if we carry some type of chromosomal issue that would explain our losses. Ellie had triploidy, a lethal chromosomal issue where she had 69 chromosomes instead of 46. She had an extra one of everything. Our loss is April was a trisomy 11, just one extra of #11 and he was a boy. Its hard to think about these losses. Where are these babies? Who would they have been in this world. I try to believe that they were never meant to fully be here or they would have. Maybe there is some need for the soul to be around just for a short while and they are finished the work they needed to do. Maybe they are the holiest of souls. Athough I am ready to receive a soul that can stick around a little longer. Out of our four losses only Ellie is buried in the yard. I feel like she is close. The others since the last two were tested have ended up somewhere in medical waste which truly saddens my heart. I felt like the need to know what was going on was greater than my need at the time to have them close. So for the others they have concrete reminders placed under the memorial weeping cherry tree. I am starting to feel hopeful about trying again. I know it will be a big undertaking and we have a consult set up with a fertility center to see about major high tech procedures to decrease our chances of becoming pregnant with embryos that have chromosomal disorders. I am trying to take it a day at a time and see what unfolds. I just know there is a little spirit trying to join our family and I feel compelled to do everything I can to get that little one here. Wouldnt you do everything you could to find your child if they were lost somewhere?