July 30, 2009

Another day goes by without you... Everytime I hear or read that someone is pregnant I find myself feeling sad. I remember after I first had Benny, I would pray at night for the several friends I had at the time having fertility issues. Now I pray for me. I pray for you. I think about you throughout the day and wonder. Oh do I wonder.... Will I ever know you? I had this crazy thought today about getting a puppy. Getting a puppy would have been the last thing on my mind this time last week, however things change as you know. I find myself needing something to keep me together and to distract all of us from the pain we are feeling. Maybe something soft and sweet is just what we need right now. I know it will never replace you or take away the hurt or loss, but isnt it okay to want to have something to look forward to right now something we can hold and see as a symbol of hope. I miss you so. Its almost been a week.

July 29th, 2009

today was a hard day.... I cried and screamed. I screamed for Ellie. I screamed to love her, know her and cried at the realization that it wasnt going to happen. I feel like I cannot find myself and I feel like I am really missing something. This isnt my first loss but somehow this feels so big. I find myself constantly trying to find ways to escape the pain. It only works temporarily and then I am back facing it again. I have two wonderful boys and they fill my heart up with love everyday. It saddens me to know they wont meet Ellie either. The dont even know I was pregnant with her. In fact I hadnt told a lot of people about being pregnant. I dont know if that has made things better or worse. Sometimes its like she was all a dream. Life keeps going on. I just try to get through every moment. There are times I am happy because I can get a cup of coffee. Sometimes the highlight of my day is deciding which caffeinated drink I am going to have (as I gave it up in pregnancy). I hope to someday have hope again. I hope to find a way to let go and move on... But for now I am right here.

July 27th, 2009

I woke up today to the sun shining and the birds doing their morning greetings to each other. It was like any other morning except that I was no longer pregnant. I wondered how things outside could be so promsising when I felt so horrible on the inside. My littlest lay sleeping next to me and I looked in amazement in what I was able to create with him. He was perfect and I know how lucky I am to have him. I know there are women who dont ever know what its like to have a biological child. I have been lucky enough to do that twice. There was a period after my second loss that I feared that would never happen. And there Sammy was, my rainbow baby. As I face the day I dont know how to face it. It doesnt help to talk to friends and distractions only work for so long before I am left with myself again. I dont know how to let go. I feel deeply hurt. It hurts so deep that I dont know how to reach it. I dont know where I am.

My journey through motherhood

July 25, 2009
Today I say goodbye to my little angel Ellie. Thats what we call you because we think you were a girl. This is my fourth loss in four years. We thought you were going to make it. You made it to 14 + weeks which is always a good sign for us. The docs thought something might be wrong with you. My bloodwork came back with very low hormone levels and the amniotic fluid around you was lower than expected. They thought you might have Trisomy 13/18 or that your placenta just wasnt funtioning properly. We worried we would have to make a difficult decision regarding how to proceed with the pregnancy. I thank you for taking that burden away from us. We had a CVS done yesterday to find out what might have been wrong. We struggled with whether to get the test since it did run the risk of loss but we felt we needed to know what was going on with you. I pray that it wasnt the test that caused you to leave but rather that you needed to be somewhere else. Today was the first day I really felt you move. Perhaps it was a final gift from you. I felt you moving all day and even heard your heart beating. You passed peacefully and we put you under our favorite tree in our yard. Thats were we have put reminders for our other angels lost. I take comfort in knowing that maybe you are with them, enjoying each other's company laughing and playing and healthy. I hope to meet you one day. I know you would have been beautiful and kind. I hope that you will consider coming back if the timing is right for you. Please know how much you were wanted and loved. I will never forget the short time we have spent together. I will cherish the images of you on the ultrasounds, the sound of your heart beating and your tiny kicks against my stomach. I will always be your mother and I look forward to being with you again someday. Someday.... just not yet.