Hope...

And so it begins.... the journey.... I have no idea where I am headed and whether it is even a wise journey to take. The journey could end with a beautiful result, a healthy baby; or disasterously, with no baby and heartache again. A heartache I dont want to experience again. So why do I go there, why do I have hope? How do I have hope?? As crazy as it is I do. Perhaps its the feeling like I am not alone with this. I feel Ellie with me, her strength, her perservance in her effort to survive. After I lost her I prayed and hoped she would be coming back. I had this wild vision yesterday of her. She was walking towards me holding out her arms with a newborn baby in it. It was if she was brining someone to me, someone new. I couldnt see much of the baby but it felt like a boy to me. Seeing this made me realize that maybe she wasnt coming back. A month ago this thought would have broken my heart, but somehow I am okay with it today. Ellie is such a strong being and I am starting to hear that they need her on the other side. I do believe she is sending someone new to join our family. I hear this very quiet voice inside saying everything is going to be okay and that a little boy will joining our family. I am not pregnant right now, but hope to be soon. I think I am a little crazy maybe, or maybe just hopeful. Hopefull that something beautiful can occur again, that I can trust my body and birth another child. I want to see that the sun can shine down again and that this hurt and saddness will be lifted. I will never forget my losses but I am ready for things to work. I am ready to trust, ready to try and read to have hope...

Dear Ellie,

I have been thinking about you so much this morning. I had to go to the post office and waited behind a women with a newborn baby girl. As I watched her sleep, I studied her face, and I wondered. I wondered what you would have been like, and I so longed to know. I longed to trace the outline of your face, to see your soul through your eyes. I didnt feel angry at that moment, just sad. I feel sad not to have you here with me. As I was out back this morning I considered digging up your body just to have you close. I didnt care what was left or how scarey. I have been through the dark, so how much worse could it be. I thought maybe there would be something I could hold, touch and just feel like I had you close even for a minute. I decided not to disturb you and leave you be. I know you arent in your body anymore so really I can visit with your spirit whenever I choose to. I cant shake this feeling that you are supposed to be here. I want to find you again. Please come back. Please let me be your mother. There is nothing more I want than to know you. Me and your Dad are trying again. I am not sure how things will go and feel scared about the thought of going through this again. Please know I am waiting for you. I am here and would love to be your mom. If you arent meant to return I understand, but if you are, please pick me again.....

And so...

Its been awhile. I have thought about writing several times but conciously chose not to. I have been feeling better and worry the urge to write would be painful. There is nothing wrong with feeling the pain of a painful situation however I am tired from the pain. I want a break from it. The other morning I felt it as my oldest son asked when we might have another baby, specifically a girl. He doesnt know about Elle, so I told him it was up to God to decide. And I do believe that. I have asked God to not let me get pregnant again until its the one that is going to make it here with me. I cant take the idea of another loss nor the idea of not having my third child who is out there waiting for me. So I guess we are trying again on our own and we will see. I am finally feeling better, having more good days than bad. I have been working out every day with my husband and it feels great. My better is starting to look good again and I am starting to feel like myself. Its been a long 8 months here. I cant believe this all began in Febuary. I am hoping so much that God is planning something good for our family. My husand and I have really worked through some things and I pray that we can hold onto that. It seems like when I get pregnant things break down because I become so consumed with my anxiety. When it happens again I dont plan on doing it like before. I wont be going for 4 ultrasounds before I am even 10 weeks. I cant do it. I cant again scrutinize every measurement, everything I see on the screen. Sometimes I wonder whether I can even lay on that table again without losing it. I dont want to feel that ever again. I am hoping for good things to come, but I know I have good things in my life. After I explained to my 5 year old, vaugely that I have had some trouble having babies, he replied, "Well I guess you are really lucky then to have me and Sammy." I am.... but is it wrong to wish for a little more luck?