Recovery

In so many ways. I had my LEEP procedure on Friday. I feel fine physically just weird emotionally. I think the whole hospital experience has triggered my loss again. Sometimes I dont even know which loss is being triggered. As I got home from the hospital I got a paper in the mail from the fertility center telling me that IVF wont be covered by my insurance for me since I have had less than a year of infertility. They went on to list the reason as having two spontaneous pregnancies in the past year. I am not sure it counts if the baby isnt born. So I was able to get pregnant and able to loss them. There may be a procedure that may reduce my chances of that happening, but insurance doesnt want to pay because I have had two pregnancies and losses. I cant afford IVF on my own, so I guess I just play my chances. I wonder if the insurance company even considers me to have any sort of fertility issue. I feel like I dont fit it anywhere with this. I wonder if my infertility year starts over now even though I have had services in the past. I guess I could intentionally avoid pregnancy, play the game and go back and say its been a certain amount of time. Its all so frustrating. So here I am, not knowing what my next move is. I have to wait several months to give myself a chance to heal from the LEEP so I suppose that will give me the opportunity to see what door might open up next.

I have been up and down. I often dont even really know how I am feeling. I dont know what I am sad about sometimes and just feel like hiding. I wish I could take a break, go sit somewhere and just be for awhile. I have been trying to find moments that I really enjoy. Last night at dusk I had a few of those moments. I was outside with my son and it was the first night that really felt like fall. You could hear the crickets, feel the wind and watch it blow through the leaves of the trees. As I sat their quietly my son gently clung to me and hummed as we both enjoyed the moment. I felt alive, awake and happy to be right there in that moment. I tried to embrace it because lately those moments happen less often. I was to be connected to myself again, I want to trust my body again, trust the universe to send a healthy baby my way and trust that I will get my turn to hold her in my arms someday. For now, I hope, I pray and I try to hold onto every second that doesnt hurt.

Reminders....

They are everywhere. I will be somewhere just doing my thing and they can come at any moment. this morning as I dropped my son off at school a mother was laughing to others as she said she needed to go buy more shirts that would cover her belly; her pregnant belly. I was suddenly reminded about my 3rd loss, who would have been a boy. I should be about 8 weeks from meeting him right now. I should be big, uncomfortable and tired. Instead he is gone, isnt going to be born and doesnt even have a name. I am reminded of how he is gone and I am not anticipating his arrival as fall begins. I then shift to think that I should also be pregnant with my daugter, I am thinking about 20 weeks or so. I should be feeling her kick, dreaming about her face and anticipating the moment I will meet my very first daughter. Instead I am left to think about her 69 chromosomes instead of 46. I am left to think about my last moments seeing her move, feeling her kick and her birth. Her small tiny body that I was afraid to look at, afraid to touch. I really regret that and I am so sorry that the only chance I had to see or touch her I let go. I appreciate my wonderful husband lovingly placing her under our wheeping cherry, below the angels that represent our first two losses. I am sad to let time pass, sad to have to face what could have been. I miss my babies every day, minute and second. I am the mother of 6 children and only two I will know in this lifetime.