And so here we are again... the first cycle was negative. I had this feeling it would be. I was upset for a day and then relief followed. I was relieved of the worry that would have come with a pregnancy. So we are onto to cycle 2 of IUI. I am not really thinking about it, but rather just going through the steps to get there. I cant think too much. Its overwhelming to think of it all and to remember all we have been through to get here.

Last night I had a moment where I realized where I was. It was if I had woken up suddenly. I looked at my Christmas tree and thought about how it has always been my favorite time of year. I then moved onto the fact that I should be really pregnant right now. I should be dreaming of meeting my little girl and in awe of the fact that I am having a girl! I should be getting things ready and buying little clothes. I should be trying to figure out sleeping arrangements and preparing my boys. But instead I stare thinking of what might have been. I think about my next IUI and wonder if I will have another baby. I think this may need to be it for me. I dont want to lose another. After so many what would be left of me. So I continue to hope that I will get my wish and make it on the Xmas tree since that brings hope and wonder to little ones. I also marve at how lucky I am to have my boys. They are beautiful little souls who lift me up every day by just saying my name. I know I am blessed, I know I am lucky.... Is it wrong to just want one more?

Feeling negative

I have somehow lost my momentum. I am not as hopeful as I was almost two weeks ago right after the IUI. I fear I am not pregnant and I fear that hearing someone tell me that will trigger the flood of emotions related to loss. I have to go away this weekend with my family for my mother's birthday. I am scheduled to get bw done that morning and will probably hear something that afternoon as I am headed there. How will I act normal if its negative. I dont even know that I will have the space to cry if I need to. Only my mother knows we did an IUI so I cant even be real with everyone. I tried to see if I could move the bw appt up a day so that if its negative I can have a day to be sad, but they said its too early. Because I had a trigger shot of HCG it could show a false positiv if done too early. Its CD 11. I am fat. Fat because I have slowed down my exersize and eat all in sight. The hormones are making me tired, irritable, bloated and craving all kinds of food. I had to go buy fat clothes. I hate being fat. Fucking hate it!

I feel sad about a story in the news of a mother who sold her 5 yr old for possible prostitution and she was murdered. The mother has other children and is currently pregnant. Why is she pregnant?? There are so many women who are struggling to have a baby and would love and cherish that baby so why are babies given to women who hurt and abuse them. It makes me mad.

The 2ww

lots of thoughts going through my mind; some good, some bad, and some I just dont know. For some reason my anxiety is less than I thought since waiting to find out if I am pregnant is less stressful than waiting to see if I will have a miscarriage. I have given up some of excessive exercising since the hormones I am taking have made me gain weight. So I have surrendered. Today I surrendered so much I went out to get french fries and a hot fudge sundae. Did I also mention that the hormones give me cravings and increase my appetite. I am trying to stay positive and trying to hold out hope. I am even trying to prepare myself for a negative pregnancy test incase the IUI didnt work this time. And then what if it did work, did cell division happen correctly. Most people worry simpy did the sperm meet the egg. I take it one step farther and wonder whether cell division is occuring correctly and whether the chromosomes are lining up as they should. I keep thinking come on 46!! I want this new baby to enter our family, and I pray he/she is coming this time around. I pray and beg God to not take any more of my babies. During my IUI I secretly took pictures of Ellie and held them tight. I wanted her with me at that moment. I held them close to my heart to let her know that she could never be replaced and the decision to try was directly related to the hope and strength she has given me. I have invited Ellie back to me, but I dont think its for her to be here right now. I do believe her coming to me was a gift and as painful as it was I would never take it back. I know somewhere I am being prepared for greater work. I think she has saved my marriage. My husband and I are in a completely different place than we were a year ago. I feel so much more connected to him and feel a deeper sense of love and intimacy than ever before. I will always love Ellie and will always miss not knowing her. I know that one day when i am very old and about to die, I will start to smile knowing that the time has finally come. I know she will be the first to greet me and finally she will be with me. In the meantime I know she is arround me. I know she is in the good that happens and in the strength I find in dealing with the dark moments. For today, I enjoy my hot fudge sundae. I eat it and am reminded about the little things that make it all count...

Hope...

And so it begins.... the journey.... I have no idea where I am headed and whether it is even a wise journey to take. The journey could end with a beautiful result, a healthy baby; or disasterously, with no baby and heartache again. A heartache I dont want to experience again. So why do I go there, why do I have hope? How do I have hope?? As crazy as it is I do. Perhaps its the feeling like I am not alone with this. I feel Ellie with me, her strength, her perservance in her effort to survive. After I lost her I prayed and hoped she would be coming back. I had this wild vision yesterday of her. She was walking towards me holding out her arms with a newborn baby in it. It was if she was brining someone to me, someone new. I couldnt see much of the baby but it felt like a boy to me. Seeing this made me realize that maybe she wasnt coming back. A month ago this thought would have broken my heart, but somehow I am okay with it today. Ellie is such a strong being and I am starting to hear that they need her on the other side. I do believe she is sending someone new to join our family. I hear this very quiet voice inside saying everything is going to be okay and that a little boy will joining our family. I am not pregnant right now, but hope to be soon. I think I am a little crazy maybe, or maybe just hopeful. Hopefull that something beautiful can occur again, that I can trust my body and birth another child. I want to see that the sun can shine down again and that this hurt and saddness will be lifted. I will never forget my losses but I am ready for things to work. I am ready to trust, ready to try and read to have hope...

Dear Ellie,

I have been thinking about you so much this morning. I had to go to the post office and waited behind a women with a newborn baby girl. As I watched her sleep, I studied her face, and I wondered. I wondered what you would have been like, and I so longed to know. I longed to trace the outline of your face, to see your soul through your eyes. I didnt feel angry at that moment, just sad. I feel sad not to have you here with me. As I was out back this morning I considered digging up your body just to have you close. I didnt care what was left or how scarey. I have been through the dark, so how much worse could it be. I thought maybe there would be something I could hold, touch and just feel like I had you close even for a minute. I decided not to disturb you and leave you be. I know you arent in your body anymore so really I can visit with your spirit whenever I choose to. I cant shake this feeling that you are supposed to be here. I want to find you again. Please come back. Please let me be your mother. There is nothing more I want than to know you. Me and your Dad are trying again. I am not sure how things will go and feel scared about the thought of going through this again. Please know I am waiting for you. I am here and would love to be your mom. If you arent meant to return I understand, but if you are, please pick me again.....

And so...

Its been awhile. I have thought about writing several times but conciously chose not to. I have been feeling better and worry the urge to write would be painful. There is nothing wrong with feeling the pain of a painful situation however I am tired from the pain. I want a break from it. The other morning I felt it as my oldest son asked when we might have another baby, specifically a girl. He doesnt know about Elle, so I told him it was up to God to decide. And I do believe that. I have asked God to not let me get pregnant again until its the one that is going to make it here with me. I cant take the idea of another loss nor the idea of not having my third child who is out there waiting for me. So I guess we are trying again on our own and we will see. I am finally feeling better, having more good days than bad. I have been working out every day with my husband and it feels great. My better is starting to look good again and I am starting to feel like myself. Its been a long 8 months here. I cant believe this all began in Febuary. I am hoping so much that God is planning something good for our family. My husand and I have really worked through some things and I pray that we can hold onto that. It seems like when I get pregnant things break down because I become so consumed with my anxiety. When it happens again I dont plan on doing it like before. I wont be going for 4 ultrasounds before I am even 10 weeks. I cant do it. I cant again scrutinize every measurement, everything I see on the screen. Sometimes I wonder whether I can even lay on that table again without losing it. I dont want to feel that ever again. I am hoping for good things to come, but I know I have good things in my life. After I explained to my 5 year old, vaugely that I have had some trouble having babies, he replied, "Well I guess you are really lucky then to have me and Sammy." I am.... but is it wrong to wish for a little more luck?

Recovery

In so many ways. I had my LEEP procedure on Friday. I feel fine physically just weird emotionally. I think the whole hospital experience has triggered my loss again. Sometimes I dont even know which loss is being triggered. As I got home from the hospital I got a paper in the mail from the fertility center telling me that IVF wont be covered by my insurance for me since I have had less than a year of infertility. They went on to list the reason as having two spontaneous pregnancies in the past year. I am not sure it counts if the baby isnt born. So I was able to get pregnant and able to loss them. There may be a procedure that may reduce my chances of that happening, but insurance doesnt want to pay because I have had two pregnancies and losses. I cant afford IVF on my own, so I guess I just play my chances. I wonder if the insurance company even considers me to have any sort of fertility issue. I feel like I dont fit it anywhere with this. I wonder if my infertility year starts over now even though I have had services in the past. I guess I could intentionally avoid pregnancy, play the game and go back and say its been a certain amount of time. Its all so frustrating. So here I am, not knowing what my next move is. I have to wait several months to give myself a chance to heal from the LEEP so I suppose that will give me the opportunity to see what door might open up next.

I have been up and down. I often dont even really know how I am feeling. I dont know what I am sad about sometimes and just feel like hiding. I wish I could take a break, go sit somewhere and just be for awhile. I have been trying to find moments that I really enjoy. Last night at dusk I had a few of those moments. I was outside with my son and it was the first night that really felt like fall. You could hear the crickets, feel the wind and watch it blow through the leaves of the trees. As I sat their quietly my son gently clung to me and hummed as we both enjoyed the moment. I felt alive, awake and happy to be right there in that moment. I tried to embrace it because lately those moments happen less often. I was to be connected to myself again, I want to trust my body again, trust the universe to send a healthy baby my way and trust that I will get my turn to hold her in my arms someday. For now, I hope, I pray and I try to hold onto every second that doesnt hurt.