Dear Ellie,

I have been thinking about you so much this morning. I had to go to the post office and waited behind a women with a newborn baby girl. As I watched her sleep, I studied her face, and I wondered. I wondered what you would have been like, and I so longed to know. I longed to trace the outline of your face, to see your soul through your eyes. I didnt feel angry at that moment, just sad. I feel sad not to have you here with me. As I was out back this morning I considered digging up your body just to have you close. I didnt care what was left or how scarey. I have been through the dark, so how much worse could it be. I thought maybe there would be something I could hold, touch and just feel like I had you close even for a minute. I decided not to disturb you and leave you be. I know you arent in your body anymore so really I can visit with your spirit whenever I choose to. I cant shake this feeling that you are supposed to be here. I want to find you again. Please come back. Please let me be your mother. There is nothing more I want than to know you. Me and your Dad are trying again. I am not sure how things will go and feel scared about the thought of going through this again. Please know I am waiting for you. I am here and would love to be your mom. If you arent meant to return I understand, but if you are, please pick me again.....