Hope...

And so it begins.... the journey.... I have no idea where I am headed and whether it is even a wise journey to take. The journey could end with a beautiful result, a healthy baby; or disasterously, with no baby and heartache again. A heartache I dont want to experience again. So why do I go there, why do I have hope? How do I have hope?? As crazy as it is I do. Perhaps its the feeling like I am not alone with this. I feel Ellie with me, her strength, her perservance in her effort to survive. After I lost her I prayed and hoped she would be coming back. I had this wild vision yesterday of her. She was walking towards me holding out her arms with a newborn baby in it. It was if she was brining someone to me, someone new. I couldnt see much of the baby but it felt like a boy to me. Seeing this made me realize that maybe she wasnt coming back. A month ago this thought would have broken my heart, but somehow I am okay with it today. Ellie is such a strong being and I am starting to hear that they need her on the other side. I do believe she is sending someone new to join our family. I hear this very quiet voice inside saying everything is going to be okay and that a little boy will joining our family. I am not pregnant right now, but hope to be soon. I think I am a little crazy maybe, or maybe just hopeful. Hopefull that something beautiful can occur again, that I can trust my body and birth another child. I want to see that the sun can shine down again and that this hurt and saddness will be lifted. I will never forget my losses but I am ready for things to work. I am ready to trust, ready to try and read to have hope...

Dear Ellie,

I have been thinking about you so much this morning. I had to go to the post office and waited behind a women with a newborn baby girl. As I watched her sleep, I studied her face, and I wondered. I wondered what you would have been like, and I so longed to know. I longed to trace the outline of your face, to see your soul through your eyes. I didnt feel angry at that moment, just sad. I feel sad not to have you here with me. As I was out back this morning I considered digging up your body just to have you close. I didnt care what was left or how scarey. I have been through the dark, so how much worse could it be. I thought maybe there would be something I could hold, touch and just feel like I had you close even for a minute. I decided not to disturb you and leave you be. I know you arent in your body anymore so really I can visit with your spirit whenever I choose to. I cant shake this feeling that you are supposed to be here. I want to find you again. Please come back. Please let me be your mother. There is nothing more I want than to know you. Me and your Dad are trying again. I am not sure how things will go and feel scared about the thought of going through this again. Please know I am waiting for you. I am here and would love to be your mom. If you arent meant to return I understand, but if you are, please pick me again.....

And so...

Its been awhile. I have thought about writing several times but conciously chose not to. I have been feeling better and worry the urge to write would be painful. There is nothing wrong with feeling the pain of a painful situation however I am tired from the pain. I want a break from it. The other morning I felt it as my oldest son asked when we might have another baby, specifically a girl. He doesnt know about Elle, so I told him it was up to God to decide. And I do believe that. I have asked God to not let me get pregnant again until its the one that is going to make it here with me. I cant take the idea of another loss nor the idea of not having my third child who is out there waiting for me. So I guess we are trying again on our own and we will see. I am finally feeling better, having more good days than bad. I have been working out every day with my husband and it feels great. My better is starting to look good again and I am starting to feel like myself. Its been a long 8 months here. I cant believe this all began in Febuary. I am hoping so much that God is planning something good for our family. My husand and I have really worked through some things and I pray that we can hold onto that. It seems like when I get pregnant things break down because I become so consumed with my anxiety. When it happens again I dont plan on doing it like before. I wont be going for 4 ultrasounds before I am even 10 weeks. I cant do it. I cant again scrutinize every measurement, everything I see on the screen. Sometimes I wonder whether I can even lay on that table again without losing it. I dont want to feel that ever again. I am hoping for good things to come, but I know I have good things in my life. After I explained to my 5 year old, vaugely that I have had some trouble having babies, he replied, "Well I guess you are really lucky then to have me and Sammy." I am.... but is it wrong to wish for a little more luck?

Recovery

In so many ways. I had my LEEP procedure on Friday. I feel fine physically just weird emotionally. I think the whole hospital experience has triggered my loss again. Sometimes I dont even know which loss is being triggered. As I got home from the hospital I got a paper in the mail from the fertility center telling me that IVF wont be covered by my insurance for me since I have had less than a year of infertility. They went on to list the reason as having two spontaneous pregnancies in the past year. I am not sure it counts if the baby isnt born. So I was able to get pregnant and able to loss them. There may be a procedure that may reduce my chances of that happening, but insurance doesnt want to pay because I have had two pregnancies and losses. I cant afford IVF on my own, so I guess I just play my chances. I wonder if the insurance company even considers me to have any sort of fertility issue. I feel like I dont fit it anywhere with this. I wonder if my infertility year starts over now even though I have had services in the past. I guess I could intentionally avoid pregnancy, play the game and go back and say its been a certain amount of time. Its all so frustrating. So here I am, not knowing what my next move is. I have to wait several months to give myself a chance to heal from the LEEP so I suppose that will give me the opportunity to see what door might open up next.

I have been up and down. I often dont even really know how I am feeling. I dont know what I am sad about sometimes and just feel like hiding. I wish I could take a break, go sit somewhere and just be for awhile. I have been trying to find moments that I really enjoy. Last night at dusk I had a few of those moments. I was outside with my son and it was the first night that really felt like fall. You could hear the crickets, feel the wind and watch it blow through the leaves of the trees. As I sat their quietly my son gently clung to me and hummed as we both enjoyed the moment. I felt alive, awake and happy to be right there in that moment. I tried to embrace it because lately those moments happen less often. I was to be connected to myself again, I want to trust my body again, trust the universe to send a healthy baby my way and trust that I will get my turn to hold her in my arms someday. For now, I hope, I pray and I try to hold onto every second that doesnt hurt.

Reminders....

They are everywhere. I will be somewhere just doing my thing and they can come at any moment. this morning as I dropped my son off at school a mother was laughing to others as she said she needed to go buy more shirts that would cover her belly; her pregnant belly. I was suddenly reminded about my 3rd loss, who would have been a boy. I should be about 8 weeks from meeting him right now. I should be big, uncomfortable and tired. Instead he is gone, isnt going to be born and doesnt even have a name. I am reminded of how he is gone and I am not anticipating his arrival as fall begins. I then shift to think that I should also be pregnant with my daugter, I am thinking about 20 weeks or so. I should be feeling her kick, dreaming about her face and anticipating the moment I will meet my very first daughter. Instead I am left to think about her 69 chromosomes instead of 46. I am left to think about my last moments seeing her move, feeling her kick and her birth. Her small tiny body that I was afraid to look at, afraid to touch. I really regret that and I am so sorry that the only chance I had to see or touch her I let go. I appreciate my wonderful husband lovingly placing her under our wheeping cherry, below the angels that represent our first two losses. I am sad to let time pass, sad to have to face what could have been. I miss my babies every day, minute and second. I am the mother of 6 children and only two I will know in this lifetime.

It has returned...

the sadness that is, the emptiness I feel quite frequently thoughout the days. I just dont know how to do this. I dont know how to exist without my baby Ellie. She was real to me. I knew her, felt her and could feel her spirit inside of me. Sometimes when its quiet and I see a beautiful sky, sunset or feel the wind, I can almost touch her. I feel like its the closest I can come to her spirit, to knowing her. Sometimes I am able to briefly forget, hold my breath and pretend it was just a dream. I am often shocked when I think of my experiences with 4 pregnancies losses. Its as if I am hearing about it happening to someone else. I hurt. I cry and it doesnt make it better. I have often told people that time with heal things, but now I am not so sure. I dont know that time will heal this. I think I may get to a point where I come to some integration of it, but I will never fully heal. I feel such a sense of profound loss and grief. I am supposed to be greeting the fall with a sense of excitement and anticipation of meeting my baby girl, my last child, my rainbow baby. Instead I face the unknown again. I feel like I am lost in the desert alone and tired. There are many ways to go that look like nowhere and there isnt anyone to guide me. I feel like my voice isnt present, as though I can no longer hear myself. So I just walk aimlessly hoping that somehow I am going the right way. There is no guide, no light, no map just simply open space and I have no idea of where I am headed.

Ellie,
I long to know you, hold you and be your mother. I feel so sad that you are gone. I dont know how to exist without you. I think about you everyday and feel so completely cheated out of my life with you. I want to start over, go back, do this right. I can only hope that you are near me. Perhaps you can feel my love from here and feel my arms hold what is simply a memory of you. My heart is breaking over you. Please stay close to me. Please rest in the whisper of the wind and the greetings of the birds as they meet the sun. Please know how much you are loved and were wanted.

In the middle.

Today I feel in the middle, the grey of life. I feel okay being here today because while I dont feel overjoyed I dont feel devastated either. My 5 year old is starting Kindergarten on Monday which is exciting. I am trying not to lose sight of the good things that are still happening around me even when I am still grieveing. I am hoping that the start of the school year will bring with it a flurry of distractions. I can use distractions, I like distractions. They keep me sane at times. I have started therapy which feels helpful. My therapist put it just right... I want a "do over" That is exactly it. I do want a "do over" I want to start over and I want it to go right. I want it to work and I want to meet my baby. Ellie is gone and there is nothing I can do to change that. I wont know her, I wont send her off to her first day of Kindegarten and I wont watch her grow into a woman. I have decisions to make about my future. I know there is another soul who is supposed to be here and I am very clear about that I just dont know when. I have to put things on hold since I have to get a LEEP procedure done next week and I have to wait 3-4 months to try again. I guess I am okay with waiting, however I am generally not a patient person. I am trying to take things day by day, trying to love myself and trying to still see what is good around me admist all the dark.