July 29th, 2009

today was a hard day.... I cried and screamed. I screamed for Ellie. I screamed to love her, know her and cried at the realization that it wasnt going to happen. I feel like I cannot find myself and I feel like I am really missing something. This isnt my first loss but somehow this feels so big. I find myself constantly trying to find ways to escape the pain. It only works temporarily and then I am back facing it again. I have two wonderful boys and they fill my heart up with love everyday. It saddens me to know they wont meet Ellie either. The dont even know I was pregnant with her. In fact I hadnt told a lot of people about being pregnant. I dont know if that has made things better or worse. Sometimes its like she was all a dream. Life keeps going on. I just try to get through every moment. There are times I am happy because I can get a cup of coffee. Sometimes the highlight of my day is deciding which caffeinated drink I am going to have (as I gave it up in pregnancy). I hope to someday have hope again. I hope to find a way to let go and move on... But for now I am right here.