Recovery

In so many ways. I had my LEEP procedure on Friday. I feel fine physically just weird emotionally. I think the whole hospital experience has triggered my loss again. Sometimes I dont even know which loss is being triggered. As I got home from the hospital I got a paper in the mail from the fertility center telling me that IVF wont be covered by my insurance for me since I have had less than a year of infertility. They went on to list the reason as having two spontaneous pregnancies in the past year. I am not sure it counts if the baby isnt born. So I was able to get pregnant and able to loss them. There may be a procedure that may reduce my chances of that happening, but insurance doesnt want to pay because I have had two pregnancies and losses. I cant afford IVF on my own, so I guess I just play my chances. I wonder if the insurance company even considers me to have any sort of fertility issue. I feel like I dont fit it anywhere with this. I wonder if my infertility year starts over now even though I have had services in the past. I guess I could intentionally avoid pregnancy, play the game and go back and say its been a certain amount of time. Its all so frustrating. So here I am, not knowing what my next move is. I have to wait several months to give myself a chance to heal from the LEEP so I suppose that will give me the opportunity to see what door might open up next.

I have been up and down. I often dont even really know how I am feeling. I dont know what I am sad about sometimes and just feel like hiding. I wish I could take a break, go sit somewhere and just be for awhile. I have been trying to find moments that I really enjoy. Last night at dusk I had a few of those moments. I was outside with my son and it was the first night that really felt like fall. You could hear the crickets, feel the wind and watch it blow through the leaves of the trees. As I sat their quietly my son gently clung to me and hummed as we both enjoyed the moment. I felt alive, awake and happy to be right there in that moment. I tried to embrace it because lately those moments happen less often. I was to be connected to myself again, I want to trust my body again, trust the universe to send a healthy baby my way and trust that I will get my turn to hold her in my arms someday. For now, I hope, I pray and I try to hold onto every second that doesnt hurt.

Reminders....

They are everywhere. I will be somewhere just doing my thing and they can come at any moment. this morning as I dropped my son off at school a mother was laughing to others as she said she needed to go buy more shirts that would cover her belly; her pregnant belly. I was suddenly reminded about my 3rd loss, who would have been a boy. I should be about 8 weeks from meeting him right now. I should be big, uncomfortable and tired. Instead he is gone, isnt going to be born and doesnt even have a name. I am reminded of how he is gone and I am not anticipating his arrival as fall begins. I then shift to think that I should also be pregnant with my daugter, I am thinking about 20 weeks or so. I should be feeling her kick, dreaming about her face and anticipating the moment I will meet my very first daughter. Instead I am left to think about her 69 chromosomes instead of 46. I am left to think about my last moments seeing her move, feeling her kick and her birth. Her small tiny body that I was afraid to look at, afraid to touch. I really regret that and I am so sorry that the only chance I had to see or touch her I let go. I appreciate my wonderful husband lovingly placing her under our wheeping cherry, below the angels that represent our first two losses. I am sad to let time pass, sad to have to face what could have been. I miss my babies every day, minute and second. I am the mother of 6 children and only two I will know in this lifetime.

It has returned...

the sadness that is, the emptiness I feel quite frequently thoughout the days. I just dont know how to do this. I dont know how to exist without my baby Ellie. She was real to me. I knew her, felt her and could feel her spirit inside of me. Sometimes when its quiet and I see a beautiful sky, sunset or feel the wind, I can almost touch her. I feel like its the closest I can come to her spirit, to knowing her. Sometimes I am able to briefly forget, hold my breath and pretend it was just a dream. I am often shocked when I think of my experiences with 4 pregnancies losses. Its as if I am hearing about it happening to someone else. I hurt. I cry and it doesnt make it better. I have often told people that time with heal things, but now I am not so sure. I dont know that time will heal this. I think I may get to a point where I come to some integration of it, but I will never fully heal. I feel such a sense of profound loss and grief. I am supposed to be greeting the fall with a sense of excitement and anticipation of meeting my baby girl, my last child, my rainbow baby. Instead I face the unknown again. I feel like I am lost in the desert alone and tired. There are many ways to go that look like nowhere and there isnt anyone to guide me. I feel like my voice isnt present, as though I can no longer hear myself. So I just walk aimlessly hoping that somehow I am going the right way. There is no guide, no light, no map just simply open space and I have no idea of where I am headed.

Ellie,
I long to know you, hold you and be your mother. I feel so sad that you are gone. I dont know how to exist without you. I think about you everyday and feel so completely cheated out of my life with you. I want to start over, go back, do this right. I can only hope that you are near me. Perhaps you can feel my love from here and feel my arms hold what is simply a memory of you. My heart is breaking over you. Please stay close to me. Please rest in the whisper of the wind and the greetings of the birds as they meet the sun. Please know how much you are loved and were wanted.

In the middle.

Today I feel in the middle, the grey of life. I feel okay being here today because while I dont feel overjoyed I dont feel devastated either. My 5 year old is starting Kindergarten on Monday which is exciting. I am trying not to lose sight of the good things that are still happening around me even when I am still grieveing. I am hoping that the start of the school year will bring with it a flurry of distractions. I can use distractions, I like distractions. They keep me sane at times. I have started therapy which feels helpful. My therapist put it just right... I want a "do over" That is exactly it. I do want a "do over" I want to start over and I want it to go right. I want it to work and I want to meet my baby. Ellie is gone and there is nothing I can do to change that. I wont know her, I wont send her off to her first day of Kindegarten and I wont watch her grow into a woman. I have decisions to make about my future. I know there is another soul who is supposed to be here and I am very clear about that I just dont know when. I have to put things on hold since I have to get a LEEP procedure done next week and I have to wait 3-4 months to try again. I guess I am okay with waiting, however I am generally not a patient person. I am trying to take things day by day, trying to love myself and trying to still see what is good around me admist all the dark.

Today...

I am really struggling. I feel worse than usual and feel like I cant get myself together. Everything is making me angry and upset. I have taken notice of just how many pregnant woment there are in the world. I look and them and think that they make it look so easy. Their babies grew healthy inside of them and someday soon they will get to meet their sweet baby. I cant let Ellie go. I feel like I am starting to miss her more instead of less. When I see picutures of baby girls I look away. I yearn to know her sweet face and too look into her eyes to meet her soul. I am so afraid that will never happen in this lifetime and I dont know how to cope with that possibility. I feel like a bad mother. It takes everything sometimes to just do the basics, get up, feed the kids, go to work, etc. I dont want to take outings. Going to the park or library seem like unbearable tasks, so I dont go. I feel alone, so alone. I feel as though I have lost a part of myself and I dont know how to get it back. I feel ugly and fat, yet have no motivation to do anything to feel better about it. I dont care what fucking celeberty is pregnant or what they are craving. Who the fuck cares? Where do I go to feel better. There is no where to go. I am annoyed by support boards and annoyed by the grief and loss books. I just feel like I have become broken and I worry I will never be whole again. I worry this will never go away. I worry the tears will never stop. I worry I will always feel like I am missing something. I want this to go away. Why did I even get pregnant in the first place?? Is this all a sick joke on me? Is it my karma? Everything seems out of order and I just dont know where to start.

And the RE says....

we dont usually see cases like yours. Hmm.. well that feels good to know. Most women with recurrent miscarriages dont have all of them due to different chormosomal issues. We know that our chormosomes are normal it just seems to be something that happens during the early stages of embryo development. My RE was also kind enough to tell me that its the egg's job to properly divide the cells. I already carry enough, now I need to be angry at the eggs who screwed up the math. Basically I was told that I could try until we get it right or try ivf with PGD which is expensive and has its limitations. And to top it off, we dont know that our insurance would even cover ivf in our case since we dont need the ivf to get pregnant but need the ivf to do the PGD. Do I have it in me to do it again? I dont know. I was reading something from where I went to college in which updates what its alumni are doing now. There were other dancers there who were doing amazing things. I suddenly felt like I wasnt good enough or successful enough. I feel like I cant succeed at times or that I want to do something bigger. I dont even know what that is. Perhaps its is just restlessness or that I need some kind of life other than my work or parenting. I feel very restless today and unsure of everything. I feel like I have no control.

Friday August 7, 2009

Today has been a little better for the first time in 2 weeks. Is is okay to feel a little better? Ellie I still miss you every second that you have been gone from me. I try to tell myself that your spirit is still held tight in my laughter and my happiness and that I dont have to constantly be sad to love and miss you. I am not sure why I am happier... maybe its time, or maybe its that my husband is home with me today and I have a break. Perhaps its because I have felt more loved and appreciated the past few days or even that I dont feel as fat today. I am sure the increase in meds hasnt hurt either. Anyway I will take this feeling, even if it only lasts for a few hours or days. Its a nice needed break from my saddness. We have our RE consult on Monday so I am hoping to get some hope back.